*needle in the hay

*let's keep it short and simple.

*i've got this pseudo-insomnia thing going on. i get so tired, and then i try to go to bed and i can't sleep. when i do fall asleep, i don't sleep soundly. if i notice daylight, that's the end of it. i tweak out and wake every 10 or so minutes because i'm worried i've overslept. i think i've got too much on my mind. but i can't make it be quiet.

*i'm worried that i'm becoming depressed again.

*i'm worried that i'm weakening in my struggle to fight the eating disorder.

*jonathan loved my acting work today.

*what a life.

*that is all...thank you.

*so remember all that mushy shit i spouted last time about loving acting and being sure of my life and it's purpose? forget i ever said that. j-dub's class successfully killed that. part of me still wants to believe that this is all working towards something. there is a reason that i am in jonathan's class and it's all working towards some magnificent goal in the end. i guess we'll see. but i will be pretty happy when this class is over. i've learned so much, but i had to learn it the hard way.

*in other happier news, i have food poisoning. i had some bad sushi when kirsti came up from downtown to visit. i didn't sleep at all last night and i left class 3 times to expel the contents of my body. right now it's at the point where there's nothing left and i've had to result to dry heaves, which are just plain inconvenient. i think i'll go to bed. i have so much to do, but professors tend to look down on turning in work you threw up on.

*you know, there was always something that told me not to eat raw fish. some common sense or something.

*that is all...thank you

*hot damn, it's been a long time since i've posted.

*in the interest of preserving my fingers, i won't go back over all that happened in detail. just know that new year's was great, the first six weeks of classes are good, spring break was hot, but not long enough, i've been getting into all kinds of good trouble and i'm really into musicals right now.

*i've been quite the social butterfly lately. that's a good thing i think. it's nice to get out there and, in particular, hang with the black people. i know i know, that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. i remember being so uncomfortable around them for the first little while but then suddenly we all connected and it's been tight ever since. so for those of you who have been asking where i've been lately, there's your answer.

*about the musical thing. ian got me hooked on wicked and thoroughly modern millie and last night, osh introduced me to batboy! the musical and i have a feeling that one is going to stick around for a while. i don't know what it is, but they get me every time. i feel so incredibly passionate about them - this is it; this is what i will do for the rest of my life. what with jonathan's class being so difficult and feeling so inadequate, i had been wondering what it was that i was actually supposed to do with my life. and just when i was about to give up, these musicals come along and jonathan tells me he thinks i have the most potential in my class to become an actress. that was truly monumental. for those of you who don't know him, he doesn't lie - ever. he's never sugar coated anything or painted it a different color. so when he said that to me, i knew he meant it. and that was exactly what i needed. not in the ego booster kind of way, but the refill kind of way. that gave me the strength to keep working - not to just rest on the compliment. and i truly believe this is my calling. and i like that. and i love all of you that i have in my life because it's not easy to be in this with me...i know. so you guys need to know that you mean the world to me. and though i may not say if often enough, it's always there whenever i think about you. i'm truly lucky. i'm truly blessed...

*and i'm going to be a star! (just kidding - but i had to top off that incredibly saccharine speech with something...)

*that is all...thank you