mood: anxious
music: semisonic - closing time


in the midst of all of my angst and turmoil over what to do about this or that, i always seem to come across something so soothing - some memory so lovely that it seems to make everything okay. at least temporarily. i was clearing off the bookshelf i want to take back to chicago with me when i came across a dusty stack of little pink papers. i was so stunned - i had forgotten all about them.

junior year of high school i had a singles only valentine's day party. it was an incredible time. it was really the only time i had a sizeable shindig at my house and exceptionally good times were had by all. [random memory for all those who were there: the sign on my front door, "no guitars allowed beyond this point" with chang as the bouncer...so good]

so in the wee hours after the drollery of the evening had ended i saw everyone out and suffered through post party clean up. when i finally got back upstairs to my room i was incredibly exhausted, so the surprise i found shocked me that much more. there were little pink hearts literally covering my walls. and they all had the sweetest notes and inside jokes written all over them. i was floored. it was so amazing. i couldn't even believe it - and i had no idea who had done it. i eventually found out that adam rowings and andy kerkhoff had snuck into my room and put them up during the party. how adorable is that? to this day, it is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. and the best part about it was finding more and more of them in ALL [read=even underwear] of my drawers for the next few days.

to find those little hearts reminded me how wonderful it is to have amazing people who do care about me and who will, from time to time, blow me away with their gestures of love. it was lovely. it was exactly what i needed to find in a time like this. and it inspired me to start a little book of my favorite memories - just something that i can dig out whenever i get - the way i get - and remind myself of just how lucky this girl truly is.




in other news, it's my last night in the westO. off to the family compound in IL tomorrow to get some r&r with the rest of the fam. then i make my triumphant return to the ropa on saturday or sunday. i can't f-ing wait. i'm ready for this - ready for everything the next few months have to throw at me [and i have a feeling it's a lot].

it's like i've been holding my breath and i'm about to be able to breathe again. smoggy, polluted, dirty air - but that's just the way i like it.


closing time
open all the doors
and let you out into the world...

mood: concerned
music: better version of me - fiona apple


this has got to stop.


things are getting a little bit out of control. i've been having increasingly intense panic attacks and i can't seem to stop grinding my teeth. when i'm not tweaking out like a crack whore going through withdrawals i'm exhausted and seriously cross. i don't feel particularly upset about anything - which is not to say i don't have a lot of things on my mind - and yet i'm exhibiting all of the physical symptoms of someone who is in some hot water emotionally. my suspicion is that i've done such an incredible job of convincing myself that things are not as bothersome as they truly are that i believe it 100% in my head [usually i can get myself to 70-90% with a nagging voice saying otherwise]. as such, i'm manifesting my stress through my body.

great. i have a good grasp on what's going on.
so why can't i stop it?
and what the hell am i so upset about anyway?

i feel like there's a completely legit set of things i'm worrying about - life and changes type stuff that everyone deals with. the standard. but i'm also starting to see that as much as i have been committed to ruthlessly eliminating drama from my life, i've been a little careless. yes, i'm in the middle of loosening close ties with certain people in my life who have become undesirable, but i think i'm giving it too much weight. these were and in some cases are important bonds, but god knows they're not worth getting sick over. one of my roommates last year went through a similar process with expressing her stress through her body. she would violently grind her teeth and lock her jaw in her sleep and eventually killed a nerve in her jaw, thus bringing on whole lot of unenjoyable times. and i will be damned if i'm going to let myself go down any harmful road over social bullshit. it's just not worth it. that's a lesson i learned oh-so-well in high school.

so i'm resolved to calm the fuck down. but it's not always as easy to convince my body to go along with this resolution. there's no substitute for time.

and aa always said that admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. so i guess i'm on my way.


they also said fake it till you make it...



the nickel dropped
when i was on
my way beyond
the rubicon
what did i do?

and of the games that i can handle
none are ones worth the candle
what can i do?

i'm a frightened, fickle person
fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
what should i do?

oooh, after all the folderol,
and hauling over coals stops
what will i do?

can't take a good day without a bad one
don't feel just to smile until i've had one
where did i learn?

i make a fuss about a little thing
the rhyme is losing to the riddling
where's the turn?

i don't want a home, i'd ruin that
home is where my habits have a habitat
why give it a turn?

oh, after all the folderol
and hauling over coals stops
what did i learn?

i am likely to miss the main event
if i stop to cry or complain again
so i will keep a deliberate pace
let the damned breeze dry my face

oh, mister, wait until you see
what i'm gonna be

i've got a plan, a demand and it just began
and if you're right, you'll agree

here's coming a better version of me
here it comes a better version of me
here it comes a better version of me...

mood: confused
music: something's missing -- john mayer

what a conundrum. here i am in august - one of my absolute favorite months - with one foot in the past trying to make sense of what was probably the strangest [in both amazing and amazingly awful ways] summer of my life, and an eye toward the upcoming semester, which promises to be the most invigorating one yet. this is normally the most enchanting time of year for me: i put a period at the end of the summer adventures and i start building up that focus, fire, and determination with which i always take on fall semester. and then there's the change of season -- autumn is without a doubt my favorite, and its arrival always marks a notable increase in my general happiness. it's just an incredible time. period.


so why am i just a tad miserable right now?


for all the good things that started happening at the beginning of the month [which essentially coincided with the pseudo-debacle that was the deterioration of the summer living situation] i feel like i'm back in the same poor state of mind that i was in through june and july - only with a different set of headaches. it seems as though every little thing [down to the most trivial and meaningless little issue] is engaging in some entropy. it's like i've hit a brick wall - it's like i'm broken.

i'm sure part of it has to do with my extended stay in the westO. i've been in omaha for about 2 weeks and that's usually about the time i go crazy and need to escape back to my chicago haven. there's just something about the city that keeps me alive, that makes all my dismal omaha feelings dissipate a touch. but i'm not naive enough to think that my return later this week is going to magically resolve all of my problems. i know i have some [read: a giant fucking mountain of] personal issues that are requiring an unusually large amount of attention right now and i know i have some huge decisions to make. though i guess there's really only one: to paris, or not to paris. but that is an entire conversation in an of itself.

i feel like there's something i've got to get back to. but i don't know what it is. i've got to get back to basics [fine, make the joke about the idiotic and unintentional reference to x'tina's new album], but i can't put my finger on what those are. i need to prioritize -- but it's getting harder and harder to discern the order of importance. there's so much tension between what i think i want and need to be my priorities versus the demands placed on me by outside commitments.

tried to self-talk myself out of it, tried dressing up, dressing down, tried hanging out, tried confessing, tried jealousy, tried humble gratefulness, tried repression and denial, tried working out [a lot] to get that ever-elusive endorphine rush/high. i even tried cleaning my bathroom -- you know, the idea that being productive makes you feel better. nothing. nada. all i feel is tired. and sore. very sore. and i think the amonia i used to wipe down the countertops burned my sinuses...




i'm not alone, i wish i was.
cause then i'd know, i was down because
i couldn't find, a friend around
to love me like, they do right now.
they do right now.

i'm dizzy from the shopping malls
i searched for joy, but I bought it all
it doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first
to ever satiate

something's missing
and I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
and I don't know what it is
at all

when autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
it just walks in, where it left you last.
and you never know, when it starts
until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

something's missing
and I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
and I don't know what it is
at all

i can't be sure that this state of mind,
is not of my own design
i wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
for loneliness like this.

something's missing
and I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
and I don't know what it is
no I don't know what it is
something's different
and i don't know what it is
no I don't know what it is

friends -check- money -check-
a well slept -check- opposite sex -check-
guitar -check- microphone -check-
messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-