mood: cloudy . . . but standing on steadier ground.
music: damien rice - older chests

[all of us, falling in the cracks between what we owe to ourselves and what we owe to love -- oh, tony kushner, oh you . . . ]


how terribly brilliant, how beautifully painful it is when you arrive at your breaking point. when you reach the moment when you are so utterly exhausted that you simply leap -- without fear, without pretense. fully prepared to find your net . . . or to suffer its absence. when you can no longer tell the story of the war which you have waged with yourself from the standpoint of the one who could not, who would not fight in it - who would not fight for it.

and i'd certainly heard it all before. knew it without question or qualification. but it was only after i told you [sam, you're a lifesaver!] that i knew i could never tell my story again.

at least, not that way . . . time for a new ending.



older chests reveal themselves
like a crack in a wall
starting small, and grow in time
and we always seem to need the help
of someone else
to mend that shelf
too many books
read me your favourite line

papa went to other lands
and he found someone who understands
the ticking and the western man's need to cry
he came back the other day
yeah, you know, some things in life may change
and some things
they stay the same

like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time

older gents sit on the fence
with their cap in hand
looking grand
they watch their city change
children scream, or so it seems --
louder than before
out of doors, and into stores with bigger names
mama tried to wash their faces
but these kids, they lost their graces
and daddy lost at the races too many times

she broke down the other day
yeah, you know, some things in life may change
but some things, they stay the same

like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time
time, always time
on my mind
pass me by, i'll be fine
just give me time . . .

mood: confused. tired.
music: howie day - i'll take you on


oh yes, definitely in over my head.



make me fall down
make me get up
and if i'm alright
make sure i'm scared to death

maybe i'm useless
if i just could remember
make me feel nervous
and i'll make you surrender

i'll take you on

and i'll give it all away
but you don't - but you don't
and i'll give it all away
but you don't feel much better

said it yourself
said i'm not ready
and i'm telling myself
but it's not sinking in

maybe i'm new at this
or is it just your reaction?
be my illusion
and i'll be your distraction

i'll take you on

and i'll give it all away
but you don't - but you don't
and i'll give it all away
but you don't feel much better

would i be hurt?
it wouldn't hurt
to see you again
do you see what i meant?
when i told you before
that i never wanted to feel like this again

i'll give it all away
but you don't - but you don't
i'll give it all away
but you don't feel much better

can we stop all the world now?
sooner or later
i lose all control now
when the rain stops landing
nothing to fear
hear in my baby's arms

i'll take you on...

mood: so confused
music: guster - either way, fa fa, i spy


contradictions abound.

i'm trying to fight the good fight. you know, not throwing in the towel and all that nonsense. but right now i have this overwhelming urge to retreat back down my mighty hill, grab a d.c. on the way down and retreat back to my former safe haven.

"but what if..."
"well then you'll have your answer, like it or not."




but to be perfectly honest, i don't think i wanted any answer,



i'm way in over my head here.

mood:i fucking hate doing office hours
music: death cab for cutie - tiny vessels



i'm really wondering about where the human pension for deception comes from. just out of curiosity -- when did we discover the benefits of equivocating and ellusiveness and when did we decide this would be an effective way of handling relationships? and when did i walk knowingly into an accordance with this practive? i get the whole theory about it being a seemingly great preservation tactic - that we're all desperately shielding ourselves from the biting sting of rejection in its many forms. but i get the sense that we're numbing ourselves. we're shielding ourselves from feeling. anyone. anything. it is no small matter that we no longer wallow in the the extremes of pain. but developing by counterpoint must be a pattern of distancing from the extremes of joy, right?


all i see are dark grey clouds
in the distance, moving closer with every hour
so when you ask 'is something wrong?'
i think 'you're damn right there is --
but we can't talk about it now.
no. we can't talk about it now . . .'



and what of a time when people live fiercely? they hate and laugh and love and grieve with everything they are - with more than they are. and they make mistakes, pitiful errors. get hurt badly and hurt others badly from time to time [though this is not to say they lack compassion and an eye to nurturing others]. and pain is accepted as necessarily and inextricably bound up in the fabric of this wild life. but oh, how they live! how they are then free to get tangled up in the substance of emotion. and the fear is there, but it no longer dictates what they can and cannot feel. and when fear is no longer at the wheel . . . well i am envious of that existence - what it must taste like, how such a sensation must electrify the very essence of reality . . .


oh, how they live.

mood: introspective [i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots...]
music: death cab for cutie - a lack of color


august wilson died tonight. what an overwhelming feeling.
this changes so much.








this changes everything.



in other news, things are perfectly fine and good in my world. with the slight exception that i am dangerously close to provoking a moderate catastrophe. i know -- it seems merely more of the overly dramatic rhetoric we types are prone to reveling in. only i'm not so sure it's just rhetoric this time. i'm mildly concerned that i'm diving head first into disaster. and yet . . . it doesn't appear that i'm making any attempts to stop.

what does that mean?

i could feel it go down
bittersweet i could taste in my mouth
silver lining the clouds
oh, and i - i wish that i could work it out

i'm in a bit of a disconcerting place tonight. the day was uneventful, but the night ... oh, this night. took up with some wine to be able to stand it. went walking in the rain to sort it out.

cause it's too important to stay the way it's been...

really, i can't help but wonder at what point you pursue your own selfish interests -- turning a blind eye to ALL consequences. what constitutes such actions? where is there room to quibble, to be trivial? what in this maddening world is worth it?

i could feel it go down
you left the sweetest taste in my mouth
silver line in the clouds
oh, and i - i wonder what it's all about

where is there room to quibble, to be trivial?
what in ths maddening world is worth it?



what the devil does any of this mean?


i see a lot of ellipses here [read: grammatcial evasions of the truth?] --
i'd like to think my answer lies somewhere therein.

oh instincts are misleading
you shouldn't think what you're feeling
they don't tell you what you know you should want...

in a murderous time the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking