mood:i fucking hate doing office hours
music: death cab for cutie - tiny vessels



i'm really wondering about where the human pension for deception comes from. just out of curiosity -- when did we discover the benefits of equivocating and ellusiveness and when did we decide this would be an effective way of handling relationships? and when did i walk knowingly into an accordance with this practive? i get the whole theory about it being a seemingly great preservation tactic - that we're all desperately shielding ourselves from the biting sting of rejection in its many forms. but i get the sense that we're numbing ourselves. we're shielding ourselves from feeling. anyone. anything. it is no small matter that we no longer wallow in the the extremes of pain. but developing by counterpoint must be a pattern of distancing from the extremes of joy, right?


all i see are dark grey clouds
in the distance, moving closer with every hour
so when you ask 'is something wrong?'
i think 'you're damn right there is --
but we can't talk about it now.
no. we can't talk about it now . . .'



and what of a time when people live fiercely? they hate and laugh and love and grieve with everything they are - with more than they are. and they make mistakes, pitiful errors. get hurt badly and hurt others badly from time to time [though this is not to say they lack compassion and an eye to nurturing others]. and pain is accepted as necessarily and inextricably bound up in the fabric of this wild life. but oh, how they live! how they are then free to get tangled up in the substance of emotion. and the fear is there, but it no longer dictates what they can and cannot feel. and when fear is no longer at the wheel . . . well i am envious of that existence - what it must taste like, how such a sensation must electrify the very essence of reality . . .


oh, how they live.