mood: glad to be alone...well, until a moment ago
music: azure ray - move on
what a wacky saturday. the day was rather boring. moving in was wholly uneventful. it was early. but it's over. thank God. finding out i could take over halas was somewhat exciting. the night started out with a game plan that stipulated that i would go to justin's going away party at jennie martin's for 60 seconds or less and consume some liquors, then i would run down the street to wish cassandra a happy birthday and consume some liquors, then i would go w/ some people to dan hammond's where i would consume a massive amount of liquors. so when we get to jennie's i immediately found out that cassandra's party wasn't down the street at all but completely across campus out in BFE. then found out that half of the people i was to go to dan's with didn't want to go any more. as i'm leaving with the other half of the people to head to dan's i realize that i don't feel like paying for mass transit when my upass would be working in two days and i didn't want to walk the extra 80 thousand blocks it takes to get to dan's place. so i stayed at jennie's and bummed around with colin, ian mcL, and colin's bff, amanda - who is awesome. i was still sober at this time so the party wasn't particularly interesting. my other three amigos eventually got bored and left, so i started mingling and met this great girl, kate, who gave me lots of coconut rum. mmm. then the party became much more exciting. the high note, ian fields' complete obsession with my breasts and friendly groping. (don't worry ian, all's well. i loved it!) after some good convo with golt, sherminator, and patrick quinlan i find out that the people who originally ditched out on me didn't like cassandra's party so they decided to come to jennie's. after some champaign, i start to feel really drunk and realize that i'd been sipping out of everyone's drinks that night so i had consumed more liquor than i had thought. yay. then it was time to head home. and by head home i mean we went over to thulani and michael gonring's party which was OUT OF CONTROL! let's not even talk about that. afterwards we met up with angie and co who gave me a ride home. had a drunken convo with kathryn. off to bed.
i don't think i did anything on sunday except work out at halas and visit my boys in georgetown. yes i am filled with jealousy. yes i will be over there all the time. it would behoove you boys to make the necessary preparations...
classes started today. i'm not prepared to make an assumption about how i will like the semester until i get thru tomorrow. i guess that means i'll probably post tomororow.
sigh.
just add it to my never-ending "to do" list. if you have anything to add to it you better tell me now...
Monday, August 30, 2004
Friday, August 27, 2004
mood: here goes the neighborhood
music: incubus - morning view
gannon committee meeting
book shopping
meeting with sociology advisor
drop in on dr. fredericks
attempt to make appearance at theatre dept's meet n' greet
back to hermitage
80 million phone calls
finalize those 19 hours
order more books
chill
collect on fooddues from laurence
try not to commit what would technically be justifiable homicde
party party party
finishing move-in - or move in legally as the case may be - hope we weren't caught - 6:30 AM
covert new id and u-pass pick up
probably more book store fun
shoe shopping downtown and closer to campus
help j-firks
do...more things
hopefully meet talitha
party party party
receive gifts from the brother while hung over
rest.
just kidding
do...even more things
classes begin
there goes the rest of my sanity.
music: incubus - morning view
gannon committee meeting
book shopping
meeting with sociology advisor
drop in on dr. fredericks
attempt to make appearance at theatre dept's meet n' greet
back to hermitage
80 million phone calls
finalize those 19 hours
order more books
chill
collect on fooddues from laurence
try not to commit what would technically be justifiable homicde
party party party
finishing move-in - or move in legally as the case may be - hope we weren't caught - 6:30 AM
covert new id and u-pass pick up
probably more book store fun
shoe shopping downtown and closer to campus
help j-firks
do...more things
hopefully meet talitha
party party party
receive gifts from the brother while hung over
rest.
just kidding
do...even more things
classes begin
there goes the rest of my sanity.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
mood: ahhhhhhhhhh...
music: the darkness - i believe in a thing called love
so adam schultz drunk dialed me last night and left this wicked funny message. it's the little things that truly count. just thought you should know.
dilemma: do i go back to rantoul to get my hair done on saturday or do i stay and go to dan's welcome back party? it's going to be one of the best of the year. but my hair really needs some help..."oh, the woes of being a socialite..." (shut up, Connor)
i've only been here around 48 hours, and yet everything is already insane. i love it. midnight trips to mertz, giving ryan shit while he tries to bust his residents' balls, department drama, wreaking havoc on fordham, running into jeff wonders, the never-ending osh saga, mysterious rainstorms, shady cable, trying to figure out quintin's 80 different passwords, loyola's new IDs and shit, being back together with the ebonys, general wackiness...i didn't realize how much i'd missed all this until i got back into it...how did i ever get through life without all this?
well, i'm off to shower and get hot for "the invite exclusive" tonight. food, fun, and fine liquours...i have a feeling this night will be one to remember...
whoever said high school would encompass the best years of our lives was an asshole.
music: the darkness - i believe in a thing called love
so adam schultz drunk dialed me last night and left this wicked funny message. it's the little things that truly count. just thought you should know.
dilemma: do i go back to rantoul to get my hair done on saturday or do i stay and go to dan's welcome back party? it's going to be one of the best of the year. but my hair really needs some help..."oh, the woes of being a socialite..." (shut up, Connor)
i've only been here around 48 hours, and yet everything is already insane. i love it. midnight trips to mertz, giving ryan shit while he tries to bust his residents' balls, department drama, wreaking havoc on fordham, running into jeff wonders, the never-ending osh saga, mysterious rainstorms, shady cable, trying to figure out quintin's 80 different passwords, loyola's new IDs and shit, being back together with the ebonys, general wackiness...i didn't realize how much i'd missed all this until i got back into it...how did i ever get through life without all this?
well, i'm off to shower and get hot for "the invite exclusive" tonight. food, fun, and fine liquours...i have a feeling this night will be one to remember...
whoever said high school would encompass the best years of our lives was an asshole.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Saturday, August 21, 2004
mood: awwwww
music: semisonic - closing time
david, mary, barb, charisse, dre, liz, umang, nathan, sam, garret, kaylan. i've had to say goodbye to some of the best people in my life today. it didn't really hit me until i was driving home and flipped to one of those light rock stations that was playing "somewhere, out there." and i just realized how much i want to hold on to all of those perfect moments i've shared with those people. staff days, after-hours playtime, cuddling, drinking, all the pics on the cds kaylan made...it's difficult to feel enough gratitude for all of those memories...
but it's time to go. and i'm okay with that. i have all of those pefect moments. and while it's doubtful that i'll actively recall them all the time, and eventually their vividness may begin to fade and blur - just knowing that on some level they will always be right there with me is all the assurance and comfort i could ever need.
music: semisonic - closing time
david, mary, barb, charisse, dre, liz, umang, nathan, sam, garret, kaylan. i've had to say goodbye to some of the best people in my life today. it didn't really hit me until i was driving home and flipped to one of those light rock stations that was playing "somewhere, out there." and i just realized how much i want to hold on to all of those perfect moments i've shared with those people. staff days, after-hours playtime, cuddling, drinking, all the pics on the cds kaylan made...it's difficult to feel enough gratitude for all of those memories...
but it's time to go. and i'm okay with that. i have all of those pefect moments. and while it's doubtful that i'll actively recall them all the time, and eventually their vividness may begin to fade and blur - just knowing that on some level they will always be right there with me is all the assurance and comfort i could ever need.
closing time
open all the doors and let you out into the world
closing time
turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
closing time
one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
closing time
you don't have to go home but you can't stay here
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home
closing time
time for you to go out to the places you will be from
closing time
this room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters
come
so gather up your jackets
move it to the exits
i hope you have found a friend
closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home
closing time
time for you to go out to the places you will be from
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home
closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
mood: chill
music: fefe dobson - don't go
let me just state for the record that college scheduling is far superior to that of high school. when i've been out of school for nearly a month, the high schoolers are still going, and when i have two weeks yet to go they're back in session. it's just nice to think that while they suffer through the angst-ridden trials and tribulations of learning i can loaf around and blog all damn day.
in other news, the lawn is currently being mowed. yes, mark the infamous is back in action. i was so sad when i found out he broke his leg while snowboarding in the alps and wouldn't be working this summer. i lost all motivation to get out of bed on friday mornings. i mean, if there wasn't going to be an extremely hot, half-naked, 22 year old boy outside in the yard, why bother? but he's back in action. and i couldn't be happier. as this is the one and only opportunity i will have to see him, it's a little bittersweet - but better late (and once) than never right? i tell you, it's the little things that make life worth living...
in other other news, i am beginning to question whether or not we fine arts kids were as badass as we thought we were. while i was out with nathan last night he introduced me to all of his drama friends from school. holy shit, they were hella annoying from time to time. some of them were pretty pimp, but the rest... well it got me thinking, "were WE that obnoxious? did people outside of our little cult see us in the same light? if so, why didn't anyone tell us?" chances are we weren't half that bad, seeing as how we also considered ourselves to be of an obscenely high intellect and so attempted to portray that snobby, holier than thou image most of the time. but just in case, i offer an apology to any "outsiders" who had to spend excess amounts of time with us. our bad. (*note, i have also heard from two different sources -not from millard north - that our production of les mis totally sucked. wtf? someone needs to explain this to me...)
doorbell...mark must need something...yessssssssssss...
music: fefe dobson - don't go
let me just state for the record that college scheduling is far superior to that of high school. when i've been out of school for nearly a month, the high schoolers are still going, and when i have two weeks yet to go they're back in session. it's just nice to think that while they suffer through the angst-ridden trials and tribulations of learning i can loaf around and blog all damn day.
in other news, the lawn is currently being mowed. yes, mark the infamous is back in action. i was so sad when i found out he broke his leg while snowboarding in the alps and wouldn't be working this summer. i lost all motivation to get out of bed on friday mornings. i mean, if there wasn't going to be an extremely hot, half-naked, 22 year old boy outside in the yard, why bother? but he's back in action. and i couldn't be happier. as this is the one and only opportunity i will have to see him, it's a little bittersweet - but better late (and once) than never right? i tell you, it's the little things that make life worth living...
in other other news, i am beginning to question whether or not we fine arts kids were as badass as we thought we were. while i was out with nathan last night he introduced me to all of his drama friends from school. holy shit, they were hella annoying from time to time. some of them were pretty pimp, but the rest... well it got me thinking, "were WE that obnoxious? did people outside of our little cult see us in the same light? if so, why didn't anyone tell us?" chances are we weren't half that bad, seeing as how we also considered ourselves to be of an obscenely high intellect and so attempted to portray that snobby, holier than thou image most of the time. but just in case, i offer an apology to any "outsiders" who had to spend excess amounts of time with us. our bad. (*note, i have also heard from two different sources -not from millard north - that our production of les mis totally sucked. wtf? someone needs to explain this to me...)
doorbell...mark must need something...yessssssssssss...
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
mood: ...girlie?!
music: black eyed peas - hey mama
well we all know what happens when taria starts to feel all happy and amorous and girlie: i lose my mind just a little bit. so i hereby absolve myself from all responsibilty for any posts logged for the next few days. there will probably be many. more than one per day in fact. consider yourself warned. we'll start off with one of those terribly annoying yet somehow satisfying surveys we all love to hate. enjoy.
Last car ride: home from dre's house last night
Last good cry: earlier this summer
Last library book checked out: last semester - something to do with the fashions in france during the 16th century
Last movie seen: harold and kumar go to white castle....ha!
Last book read: lorraine hansberry - to be young, gifted, and black
Last beverage drank: diet a&w root beer
Last food consumed: tuna
Last crush: that may be a little more recent than i'd like to admit!
Last phone call: cherise - telling her that i can facilitate the culture walk for her at peru state on friday
Last TV show watched: the simpsons
Last time showered: about 4 hours ago?
Last shoes worn: white flip flops from the gap/my new hot pink steve madden pumps
Last cd played: burned cd of songs i listen to while running
Last item bought: shoes and a handbag...my life
Last download: ringtones for my cell...gigolo by nick cannon and r kelly
Last annoyance: the post office runs incident
Last disappointment: lack of phone time with a certain someone yesterday
Last thing written: this.
Last key used: the key to my malibu
Last word spoken: saying goodbye on the phone
Last sleep: last night, went to bed at 2, got up at noonish
Last IM: i'm talking to jen go right now about seeking out the clitoris from south park to see if it knows where the almighty Hot Tub resides...don't ask...
Last weird encounter: meeting nicole's guy tony last night
Last ice cream eaten: ice cream sandwich...aah
Last time amused: last night when nicole asked if she could see my cleavage because dre told her it was amazing
Last time hugged: last night, saying goodbye to nicole and dre
Last time scolded: dre scolded me all weekend for not making out with a certain someone on friday night
Last time resentful: who wants to dwell on that?
Last chair sat in: the one i'm sitting in now
Last shirt worn: right now i'm wearing a loyola gannons sweatshirt
Last time dancing: probably the dance break at sonic in the car with dre and liz
Last poster looked at: the one of the hot guy on the wall of the room the guys share in "sorority boys"
Last show attended: pride players down at the rose
Last web page visited: kathryn's xanga...as that is where i stole this survery from
Complete The Sentence
* I once had a dream... that i was on the real world...and it was awesome.
* I don't even know why I'm... not out and about with the sextuplets right now.
* I'd give anything to have sex with... someone who was madly and unconditionally in love with me.
* Nothing sucks more than having to... leave a moment of total perfection.
* If I had six bucks i'd buy... those ballet flats i saw at oldnavy.com or some booze to share with my loves.
* It's hot. I should take off my... parka...or pants...like sinley.
* It's always more fun if you... do it with your friends...heh heh
* You can't eat steak without... lobster ...then cheesecake for dessert.
* You better shut up before I... karate chop you in the throat?
* I really like you and everything but... "you set my cow on fire last week." (haha connor)
that is all...thank you.
music: black eyed peas - hey mama
well we all know what happens when taria starts to feel all happy and amorous and girlie: i lose my mind just a little bit. so i hereby absolve myself from all responsibilty for any posts logged for the next few days. there will probably be many. more than one per day in fact. consider yourself warned. we'll start off with one of those terribly annoying yet somehow satisfying surveys we all love to hate. enjoy.
Last car ride: home from dre's house last night
Last good cry: earlier this summer
Last library book checked out: last semester - something to do with the fashions in france during the 16th century
Last movie seen: harold and kumar go to white castle....ha!
Last book read: lorraine hansberry - to be young, gifted, and black
Last beverage drank: diet a&w root beer
Last food consumed: tuna
Last crush: that may be a little more recent than i'd like to admit!
Last phone call: cherise - telling her that i can facilitate the culture walk for her at peru state on friday
Last TV show watched: the simpsons
Last time showered: about 4 hours ago?
Last shoes worn: white flip flops from the gap/my new hot pink steve madden pumps
Last cd played: burned cd of songs i listen to while running
Last item bought: shoes and a handbag...my life
Last download: ringtones for my cell...gigolo by nick cannon and r kelly
Last annoyance: the post office runs incident
Last disappointment: lack of phone time with a certain someone yesterday
Last thing written: this.
Last key used: the key to my malibu
Last word spoken: saying goodbye on the phone
Last sleep: last night, went to bed at 2, got up at noonish
Last IM: i'm talking to jen go right now about seeking out the clitoris from south park to see if it knows where the almighty Hot Tub resides...don't ask...
Last weird encounter: meeting nicole's guy tony last night
Last ice cream eaten: ice cream sandwich...aah
Last time amused: last night when nicole asked if she could see my cleavage because dre told her it was amazing
Last time hugged: last night, saying goodbye to nicole and dre
Last time scolded: dre scolded me all weekend for not making out with a certain someone on friday night
Last time resentful: who wants to dwell on that?
Last chair sat in: the one i'm sitting in now
Last shirt worn: right now i'm wearing a loyola gannons sweatshirt
Last time dancing: probably the dance break at sonic in the car with dre and liz
Last poster looked at: the one of the hot guy on the wall of the room the guys share in "sorority boys"
Last show attended: pride players down at the rose
Last web page visited: kathryn's xanga...as that is where i stole this survery from
Complete The Sentence
* I once had a dream... that i was on the real world...and it was awesome.
* I don't even know why I'm... not out and about with the sextuplets right now.
* I'd give anything to have sex with... someone who was madly and unconditionally in love with me.
* Nothing sucks more than having to... leave a moment of total perfection.
* If I had six bucks i'd buy... those ballet flats i saw at oldnavy.com or some booze to share with my loves.
* It's hot. I should take off my... parka...or pants...like sinley.
* It's always more fun if you... do it with your friends...heh heh
* You can't eat steak without... lobster ...then cheesecake for dessert.
* You better shut up before I... karate chop you in the throat?
* I really like you and everything but... "you set my cow on fire last week." (haha connor)
that is all...thank you.
Monday, August 16, 2004
mood: nervous as hell
music: n.e.r.d. - maybe
i'm so fucking jittery right now. i'm waiting for a VERY important phone call that i'm not entirely sure is going to come...
but anyway, what an ab-fab weekend. you know it's good when all the days just kind of blend into each other and all you can recall is one giant block of badass-ness. but now i feel like i'm on borrowed time. i really do have to leave on friday.
ah. i can't keep my thoughts in line. think i'll call andrea for a pep talk.
hit up the cell if you want to kick it...
that is all...thank you.
music: n.e.r.d. - maybe
i'm so fucking jittery right now. i'm waiting for a VERY important phone call that i'm not entirely sure is going to come...
but anyway, what an ab-fab weekend. you know it's good when all the days just kind of blend into each other and all you can recall is one giant block of badass-ness. but now i feel like i'm on borrowed time. i really do have to leave on friday.
ah. i can't keep my thoughts in line. think i'll call andrea for a pep talk.
hit up the cell if you want to kick it...
that is all...thank you.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
mood: sigh...
music: ashlee simpson - pieces of me
the day:
farmer's market avec d.gut, dre, liz (the best new neighbor ever!), barb, todd, hillary, andrew, and umang
abercrombie & fitch (i know...) w/ dre and liz to see kellen
wheatfield's delicious yum yums w/ dre and liz
power shopping spree @ westroad's w/ dre and her madre
umang's for a power nap and shenanigans (nathan looked pretty good in those heels!)
mmmm...downtime and ice cream...
long talk w/ nathan
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! (still to come)
craziness like whoa. what else can i say at this point? i feel like i've just been thrown inside a tornado. i can't even describe how much my world has changed in the last 10 days. my life today hardly resembles the one that i knew beforehand. i couldn't be more confused. i couldn't be more amazed. and i'm pretty sure i couldn't be happier. things are spinning in an insanely wonderful direction. there's no happier ending (beginning?!) to be had. no better plot twist.
so to recap: NOT going (or wanting to go) to chicago for another week (i know it's amazing), new set of bff's, peace w/ the old bff's (hope makyle didn't read that one), new set of life goals, finding myself on the other side of "the backstab?!", not being able to stop smiling...
didn't expect that i would bond w/ umang, d.gut, tylena, and courtney (build it, put your hands on my hips, say it in english, what's wrong w/ your neck?, take off your clothes, what are you doing? get on the bus...!).
didn't expect andrea and i would become such great amigas that i would actually call her andrea instead of dre.
didn't expect to have such an instantaneous and perfect connection with nathan.
didn't expect to find such a fabulous life coach in the kk.
didn't expect to find such an intensely beautiful friendship in david. (and that's ALL i'll say about that...)
how swiflty and wonderfully life can change when you've no expectations.
perhaps i can finally comprehend the delicate and intricate exquisiteness in letting go
how lovely...
music: ashlee simpson - pieces of me
the day:
farmer's market avec d.gut, dre, liz (the best new neighbor ever!), barb, todd, hillary, andrew, and umang
abercrombie & fitch (i know...) w/ dre and liz to see kellen
wheatfield's delicious yum yums w/ dre and liz
power shopping spree @ westroad's w/ dre and her madre
umang's for a power nap and shenanigans (nathan looked pretty good in those heels!)
mmmm...downtime and ice cream...
long talk w/ nathan
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! (still to come)
craziness like whoa. what else can i say at this point? i feel like i've just been thrown inside a tornado. i can't even describe how much my world has changed in the last 10 days. my life today hardly resembles the one that i knew beforehand. i couldn't be more confused. i couldn't be more amazed. and i'm pretty sure i couldn't be happier. things are spinning in an insanely wonderful direction. there's no happier ending (beginning?!) to be had. no better plot twist.
so to recap: NOT going (or wanting to go) to chicago for another week (i know it's amazing), new set of bff's, peace w/ the old bff's (hope makyle didn't read that one), new set of life goals, finding myself on the other side of "the backstab?!", not being able to stop smiling...
didn't expect that i would bond w/ umang, d.gut, tylena, and courtney (build it, put your hands on my hips, say it in english, what's wrong w/ your neck?, take off your clothes, what are you doing? get on the bus...!).
didn't expect andrea and i would become such great amigas that i would actually call her andrea instead of dre.
didn't expect to have such an instantaneous and perfect connection with nathan.
didn't expect to find such a fabulous life coach in the kk.
didn't expect to find such an intensely beautiful friendship in david. (and that's ALL i'll say about that...)
how swiflty and wonderfully life can change when you've no expectations.
perhaps i can finally comprehend the delicate and intricate exquisiteness in letting go
how lovely...
Friday, August 13, 2004
Thursday, August 12, 2004
mood: moody?
music: smashing pumpkins - thirty three
to all my folks in omaha. it looks like this is it. i'm sorry we couldn't say goodbye face to face. i'm sorry our good times together are often qualified with unfortunate times. but that is the way of life... know that you will always share some part of me. know that i love you. and this doesn't necessarily have to be an ending...
music: smashing pumpkins - thirty three
to all my folks in omaha. it looks like this is it. i'm sorry we couldn't say goodbye face to face. i'm sorry our good times together are often qualified with unfortunate times. but that is the way of life... know that you will always share some part of me. know that i love you. and this doesn't necessarily have to be an ending...
speak to me in a language i can hear
humor me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can't be late
supper's waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so i pull my collar up and face the cold
on my own
the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and odwn again
i know i'll make it
love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
and you
can make it last forever
you
can make it last forever
and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i've journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i'm ready to return
i'll make the effort
love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow's just an excuse
and you
can make it last forever
you
can make it last forever
you
can make it last forever
you
forever you...
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
mood: thoughtful
music: death cab for cutie - the sound of settling
i'mmmmmmmmm back in action!
i cried for the first time about my leaving for school this evening. not for the reason(s) i had expected. i suddenly realized how deeply i bonded with my other staffers at camp. the fab five (or 6, or 7 or whatev), you guys have become my heart! all the freezing late nights, dqmd & sully, talking trash about everyone, "coloring with crayons," pillows, tables, the haters' meal and everything in between - all that in those 6 days has meant more to me than some of the memories i have from the whole 4 years i've lived in omaha. i feel like i've found a beautiful, unconditional love and friendship within all of you and to know that i only have our night out tomorrow...it breaks my heart. i know for certain i will see you tomorrow. and i know i will see most of you next year. but i also know that the time between will difficult without you. at the same time i know that connections like ours are never broken by time or space. and wherever our paths lead us, we'll all still be together in spirit, sitting at those picnic tables warding off delegates, talking about everything and nothing, and savoring life - if only for a moment. and yet...
pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong will never fall
but watching stars without you,
my soul cried.
speaking of camp, it was wonderous and profound as always. but it has really thrown me into some serious turmoil about my life. being at camp (and more specifically, talking to david on the wacky ride home) has made me realize just how passionate i truly am about social justice. and how i can't live without it. i want to keep doing this for the rest of my life. specifically i want to keep coming back to staff the anytown here in omaha. while i could go work the ones in salt lake or chicago, i don't want to! i just want to stay with the one here. but goodness knows i'm not going to live in omaha. if i were to keep working towards my plans of acting and then eventual "professing," then i'll likely be living in chicago or new york. and let's face it. a career in acting would never alow me to take a week off to fly in and do this. at the same time, i don't think i can survive without my theatre. i've built and planned a whole life around the idea that it would be my number one - the one thing i would surely die without. so i thought maybe i could just skip the whole acting bit and go right to being a professor - with the hopes that i could teach theatrical dramaturgy and more specifically, a class that examines the roles of theatre and social justice as pivotal within society. but to skip being an actress? could i really do that?
i'm definitely in crisis mode. i need to make a decision about all this. as far as majors are concerned, i don't have any more time for dick, dick, dicking around. i have 3 years to finish this college bit. and when those scholarships and grants run out...i'll be out as well. i've never been so confused or doubtful about my future. my whole life i've had a plan of action for whatever it was that i wanted to do. and it is only now - when i am older, supposedly wiser, and ready to go forth into the world that i become unsure and shaken. now i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and as long as i stay proactive in my life, things will all fall into place. but i don't feel like i have control. alas, the ultimate struggle of the control freak. time again to let go...maybe have a little faith.
faith in myself.
that is all...thank you.
music: death cab for cutie - the sound of settling
i'mmmmmmmmm back in action!
i cried for the first time about my leaving for school this evening. not for the reason(s) i had expected. i suddenly realized how deeply i bonded with my other staffers at camp. the fab five (or 6, or 7 or whatev), you guys have become my heart! all the freezing late nights, dqmd & sully, talking trash about everyone, "coloring with crayons," pillows, tables, the haters' meal and everything in between - all that in those 6 days has meant more to me than some of the memories i have from the whole 4 years i've lived in omaha. i feel like i've found a beautiful, unconditional love and friendship within all of you and to know that i only have our night out tomorrow...it breaks my heart. i know for certain i will see you tomorrow. and i know i will see most of you next year. but i also know that the time between will difficult without you. at the same time i know that connections like ours are never broken by time or space. and wherever our paths lead us, we'll all still be together in spirit, sitting at those picnic tables warding off delegates, talking about everything and nothing, and savoring life - if only for a moment. and yet...
pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong will never fall
but watching stars without you,
my soul cried.
speaking of camp, it was wonderous and profound as always. but it has really thrown me into some serious turmoil about my life. being at camp (and more specifically, talking to david on the wacky ride home) has made me realize just how passionate i truly am about social justice. and how i can't live without it. i want to keep doing this for the rest of my life. specifically i want to keep coming back to staff the anytown here in omaha. while i could go work the ones in salt lake or chicago, i don't want to! i just want to stay with the one here. but goodness knows i'm not going to live in omaha. if i were to keep working towards my plans of acting and then eventual "professing," then i'll likely be living in chicago or new york. and let's face it. a career in acting would never alow me to take a week off to fly in and do this. at the same time, i don't think i can survive without my theatre. i've built and planned a whole life around the idea that it would be my number one - the one thing i would surely die without. so i thought maybe i could just skip the whole acting bit and go right to being a professor - with the hopes that i could teach theatrical dramaturgy and more specifically, a class that examines the roles of theatre and social justice as pivotal within society. but to skip being an actress? could i really do that?
i'm definitely in crisis mode. i need to make a decision about all this. as far as majors are concerned, i don't have any more time for dick, dick, dicking around. i have 3 years to finish this college bit. and when those scholarships and grants run out...i'll be out as well. i've never been so confused or doubtful about my future. my whole life i've had a plan of action for whatever it was that i wanted to do. and it is only now - when i am older, supposedly wiser, and ready to go forth into the world that i become unsure and shaken. now i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and as long as i stay proactive in my life, things will all fall into place. but i don't feel like i have control. alas, the ultimate struggle of the control freak. time again to let go...maybe have a little faith.
faith in myself.
that is all...thank you.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
mood: nervous
music: john mayer - heavier things
days to camp: 1(!)
days to chicago: 10
crazy day of responsibility shopping. getting all the little things i need to take with me back to loyola. only ten short days left. seven of those days i will be MIA. i have packed one box. i need to get a move on. i'm actually a little nervous. i don't want to forget anything. i don't want to overlook any details. i will be entirely too busy trying to enjoy this year i have been given to be concerened over the things and issues that got lost in the shuffle. i guess i just feel like i'm really pushing things and getting down to the wire. just trying to get everything square away today (argh!) because i know i won't be able to do it all in the two days i have when i get back next week.
time for negative-anti-dis-un-not-awkeitude to commence. i've got a long day ahead of me.
but my night is open for business. call me. biatches.
that is all...thank you.
p.s. i saw ross brown today. and his hair
WAS
NOT
PERFECT
i died a little inside.
music: john mayer - heavier things
days to camp: 1(!)
days to chicago: 10
crazy day of responsibility shopping. getting all the little things i need to take with me back to loyola. only ten short days left. seven of those days i will be MIA. i have packed one box. i need to get a move on. i'm actually a little nervous. i don't want to forget anything. i don't want to overlook any details. i will be entirely too busy trying to enjoy this year i have been given to be concerened over the things and issues that got lost in the shuffle. i guess i just feel like i'm really pushing things and getting down to the wire. just trying to get everything square away today (argh!) because i know i won't be able to do it all in the two days i have when i get back next week.
time for negative-anti-dis-un-not-awkeitude to commence. i've got a long day ahead of me.
but my night is open for business. call me. biatches.
that is all...thank you.
p.s. i saw ross brown today. and his hair
WAS
NOT
PERFECT
i died a little inside.
Monday, August 02, 2004
mood: accomplished!
music: badly drawn boy - year of the rat
lyirc: "every day we've got to hold on. cause if we hold on, we could find some new energy."
*you bitches better start loving me, 'cause once i'm gone, i'm gone...
camp: 3 days
chicago: 12 days
woot. i'm feeling pretty good. packed my first box today AND threw away all the papers i didn't need and organized the ones i kept. once again it's serving to finalize that nagging fact that i'm peacing out of here pretty soon. but it also got me excited. i made a list of 20 goals for first semester and had an amazing epiphany. this year is a blank slate, an empty vase, unmolded clay, fresh canvas. freshman year was absolutely marvelous, but it came with strings attached: will i like it, will i be successful, can i handle this, will i grow up; all that crazy adjustment and feeling things out pretty much came first and left minimal time for genuine decision-making and creativity. this year will be whatever i make of it. good. bad. bittersweet. i am the main player in this game and i am the one calling the shots. a daunting thought when you consider the responsibility and consequences that loom. incredibly exciting when i envision the endless possibilities. and the knowledge that i will absolutely begin to truly come into myself and shape my life - well that's roughly as invigorating(!) as life can get.
that is all...thank you.
music: badly drawn boy - year of the rat
lyirc: "every day we've got to hold on. cause if we hold on, we could find some new energy."
*you bitches better start loving me, 'cause once i'm gone, i'm gone...
camp: 3 days
chicago: 12 days
woot. i'm feeling pretty good. packed my first box today AND threw away all the papers i didn't need and organized the ones i kept. once again it's serving to finalize that nagging fact that i'm peacing out of here pretty soon. but it also got me excited. i made a list of 20 goals for first semester and had an amazing epiphany. this year is a blank slate, an empty vase, unmolded clay, fresh canvas. freshman year was absolutely marvelous, but it came with strings attached: will i like it, will i be successful, can i handle this, will i grow up; all that crazy adjustment and feeling things out pretty much came first and left minimal time for genuine decision-making and creativity. this year will be whatever i make of it. good. bad. bittersweet. i am the main player in this game and i am the one calling the shots. a daunting thought when you consider the responsibility and consequences that loom. incredibly exciting when i envision the endless possibilities. and the knowledge that i will absolutely begin to truly come into myself and shape my life - well that's roughly as invigorating(!) as life can get.
that is all...thank you.
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