*holy shit...blogger has a new format. it is strange and unfamiliar and i don't like it...boo urns.
*so as you may or may not know, i just spent some time down in new orleans. oh man, that was a gooooood time. but the one realization i have brought back with me is that the south is weird. it just is. and while i had planned an intricate and extensive series of posts dedicated to all of my witty thoughts and assessments of my excursion in the south, i also realized that i am lazy. so this is what you get. if you really want to talk in depth, feel free to ask me at a time that is not now.
this could get long. be sure to take adequate breaks and drink lots of water. gotta stay hydrated.
enjoy.
(ahem) IN NEW ORLEANS:
- people run red lights. seriously, i almost died at least 5 times every day. they pull up to the stoplight, acknowledge that it is red, then proceed to drive through it. don't mind me, i'm just driving through the green light at the same time. but it's okay, i don't mind being sideswiped once in a while. it builds character...
-crocodiles and alligators come out of the canals and into the neighborhood. because my great aunt lives down the street from the river, there are a series of levees and canals right by her house. whent it rains - and it did - the water levels in the canals rise and reptiles travel from the river into the canals, up the sides of the canals and out onto the streets. so when i woke up one morning and saw one crossing the driveway, i stayed inside for 3 days.
-cops break the speed limit. i was speeding, doing roughly 60 in a 45. the cop was going at least 20 miles faster than i was. he was not in hot pursuit of anything, and when i pulled up next to him at the next stoplight, he waved at me, and then ran the red light. this was not an isolated incident.
-cops buy seafood from the local seller while on duty. when we went to purchase some fish, a police cruiser was in the parking lot. i expected there had been some kind of trouble in the store. no, not at all. the officer just wanted some fresh catfish fillets. he said he was passing by, so he figured he would drop in. good to know he was out there serving and protecting...
-nuns eat at the casino. yes they do. we went out to dinner at one of the casinos and there was a group of nuns at the buffet. and one of them stood in one of the serving lines for fried shrimp for 5 minutes just eating everything they put out. she could have at least gotten a platter and gone back to the table. ah well, women of God got to get they grub on, too, i suppose.
-75 year old women grind on younger men at the bar. my whack ass second cousin took us to the bar one night (which was awful) and there was this lady who was at least 75, dressed to the nines (including standard baptist church wild hat) and she was moving like i had never seen before. at one point i think she humped the floor. party foul grandma...
-women have weave mullets. wtf you might say. at this same club, i saw a woman who had weave at the back of her head. but the front was done in finger waves. yep, a weave mullet. who the hell wears a mullet at all, much less puts in fake hair to have one? i bet her name was something like lashequanda - they always are.
-side note...everything about that bar was strange. is was as if all the rejected people of the city had gathered to party. i sat in the corner all night and at one point swore out loud that if any more strange old men asked me to dance, tried to buy me a drink or undressed me with their creepy old eyes, i would fucking cut some bitches...
-men hit on you at the grocery store. every time my aunt (not the great aunt, the regular one) went to the store, a different man would find it appropriate to attempt to coerce us into being his "ladyfriends." one man just plain followed us around. another guy regailed me with the tale of how a pit bull had attacked him just the other day as he rang us up. he winked at me. and i was like, "too bad i'm such a horrid bitch. if i wasn't maybe then i would care. and what the hell was with the wink?"
-Angie, LA is a city. more of a town thought. the kind with 3 houses and a gas station. the point is that it exists. i thought that was funny. that was for you, human Angie (Littlefoot)
-the rain hates me. we went on a boat cruise up the mississippi. the day was beautiful. relaxing on the sun deck drinking cape cods and pina coladas. but then the moment we docked, it got sinisterly dark and rained like a biatch. and i mean a mad biatch. so i wandered around the french quarter soaking wet. good times, except for the part where i was wearing flip flops and the sidewalks were flooded and i kept falling in front of all those hot guys. but other than that it was great. i bought the kanye west cd, some beignettes, and some fresh hot kettle corn, so i'd say it was a fair tradeoff...wait...
-i played out in the rain in the middle of nowhere in mississippi. there's this slaughterhouse where we always get sausage over in MS. while we were there, it started to rain. i got tired of staring at the meat plant workers and pig guts, so i played in the rain. can you blame me?
-sometimes confederate flags in the widows of gas stations deter you from stopping in to ask for directions. end of story.
-one day, i woke to find a horse walking down the street. don't know where he came from, don't know where he went. just knew he was there.
-as we were driving home there was a sign on the interstate that read as follows: prison area, do not pick up hitchhikers. yeah, i was a little on edge for about 5 miles or so as we passed the washington state pennitentury and correctional facility.
-they have a neighborhood chicken. yep. one day i was sitting at the bar in the kitchen when i noticed something at the sliding glass door. thought it was a stray cat. it was just the neighborhood chicken they explained to me. apparently he's been there for years. he wanders around and does what he wants. no one knows where he came from - no one bothers him. i'm sure the "what the motherfucking flying fuck?" look on my face was amusing. i saw him again when we were leaving to come home. he was eating from an overturned garbage can across the street. i chased him and took a picture while (unbeknownst to me at the time) my aunt took a blakcmail-worthy picture of me chasing the chicken ... sigh...
*well i think that's about it. as you can see, new orleans is a wonderful and backwards place where the politicians make fun of tennessee and kentucky on the news. good times. we should all go down together sometime!
*shit, i'm tired. not doing anything all day really wears me out. better go take a nap. i'm out like the fat kid in dodgeball...and you know he was out fast.
*by the way, i still need a thing to post comments. how the hell do i do that. also, quintin and ryan, you fuckers better post more often. also, if anyone wants me to add their blog as a link, just let me know.
*that is all...thank you.
