mood: getting there
music: imogen heap -- glittering cloud


happy day-after-thanksgiving. the holy day of the religion of capitalism.

but that is a discussion for another time.


i'm feeling. and that's good. that's better than the alternative. post SOA/WHINSEC protest and Emotional Boot Camp 06 i'm beginning to return to some feelings of humanity. this is not to say that i'm completely free of all the angst which i have seemingly adopted as my own personal dogma. but i'm getting there.

and that has to count for something.


so the strangest thing happened today. i ended up having a fairly lengthy talk with my mother about my love life. not only do i never really talk to my mother about my personal life, i actively avoid discussing boys with her. it's just been my rule of thumb. and what was even more surprising than my engaging her, was that she was compassionate and insightful in her diagnoses and prescriptions. most of what she said were things i had heard in one capacity or another before, but something about the way she said them concretized them in a way that i had not experienced before. and when i had reached the pinnacle of my confusion, babbling on in utmost and utter confusion and dismay about what i should do in this case or the other she simply stopped me and said:

"you'll know."

and while this statement is neither ground-breaking nor earth-shattering, it was quite possibily the best and most evocative thing anyone could have said to me in these particularly nerve-wrecking moments.

do i hope for what i want, follow what i hope, and to trust that i have the strength, discernment and love to do so?

that's bold.
and i hope the answer is a resounding

"yes."

mood: cautious; exhausted; discouraged?
music: the fray - hundred


for every step you take forward
it is inevitable that you will take two steps back
or is it?



the how i can't recall
but i'm staring at what once was the wall
separating east and west
now they meet amidst the broad daylight

so this is where you are
and this is where i am
somewhere between unsure
and a hundred

it's hard i must confess
i'm banking on the rest to clear away
cause we have spoken everything
everything short of i love you

you right where you are
from right where i am
somewhere between unsure
and a hundred

and who's to say it's wrong?
and who's to say that it's not right?
where we should be for now

so this is where you are
and this is where i am
so this is where you are
and this is where i've been

somewhere between unsure
and a hundred...

mood: manic
music: kt tunstall - other side of the world

the aesthetics of pain are so incredibly curious. in all reality, the presence or absence of emotional turmoil is only made meaningful by the presence or absence of joy. and somewhere in the tumultuous and occasionally violent oscillation between the two, we find life.

mood: restless and unsure
music: the heart of the matter -- don henley


the more things change the more they stay the same.

it's funny. you think you've dealt with something. you speculate, you analyze, you agonize. come to some sort of decision -- good or bad, right or wrong. make up a plan of attack or retreat. and act. you find out that time does not, in fact, heal all wounds. you go back. retract. try and figure out where you went wrong. realize that maybe you didn't go as in-depth as you needed to. scrape off that scab. scour that raw spot and go at it once again. this time, you really think you've nailed it. you even start to think that maybe, just maybe, you've finally gotten it down and now you can move on. maybe you even convince yourself that you are. moving on that is.

but all reality is in some way paper-thin. and this one is particularly susceptible to tiny tears. tears that grow and grow and grow uncontrollably. and you patch them as best you can. tell yourself that this is all apart of the "moving-on process." right? hell, no one said it was going to be easy. and sometimes you take steps back. but all you have to do is call on that reservoir of fearlessness and tenacity and there's no doubt you can persevere. right?

wrong.

because in this whole long drawn out fiasco, you've never once been perfectly honest with yourself. or with others for that matter. so you haven't made any progress. you've been running in place. everything you say, all that you do -- it's all done in a way which still allows you to protect yourself. they're all different names for the same thing. and truth be told, that's just not fair. you know why.

you had never gotten to the heart of the matter. but you just now accidently found yourself there. and you don't like it. it's painful and more frightening that just about any possible exterior set of circumstances. because it's inside of you. and you can't run from that.

so what now?

first, shift you, you've, and yourself
to i, i've, and myself

and realize that [i] can't keep doing this to [myself] any more.



i've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if
even if you don't love me any more

i've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
but i think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if
even if you don't love me any more...


and what about this forgiveness?
who's the one who really needs to give it?
who's the one who really needs to get it?

mood: lazy
music: bloc party -- this modern love


i rarely ever have the impetus to blog any more. but i am so prone to periods of nostalgia where i go back and read old posts to figure out just who i have been and who i am that i hate it when i let long periods of time pass without posting.



so when did it get to be november? and what has happened to me since august?
so much.



i am in repair.
i'm not together,
but i'm getting there...