mood: restless and unsure
music: the heart of the matter -- don henley


the more things change the more they stay the same.

it's funny. you think you've dealt with something. you speculate, you analyze, you agonize. come to some sort of decision -- good or bad, right or wrong. make up a plan of attack or retreat. and act. you find out that time does not, in fact, heal all wounds. you go back. retract. try and figure out where you went wrong. realize that maybe you didn't go as in-depth as you needed to. scrape off that scab. scour that raw spot and go at it once again. this time, you really think you've nailed it. you even start to think that maybe, just maybe, you've finally gotten it down and now you can move on. maybe you even convince yourself that you are. moving on that is.

but all reality is in some way paper-thin. and this one is particularly susceptible to tiny tears. tears that grow and grow and grow uncontrollably. and you patch them as best you can. tell yourself that this is all apart of the "moving-on process." right? hell, no one said it was going to be easy. and sometimes you take steps back. but all you have to do is call on that reservoir of fearlessness and tenacity and there's no doubt you can persevere. right?

wrong.

because in this whole long drawn out fiasco, you've never once been perfectly honest with yourself. or with others for that matter. so you haven't made any progress. you've been running in place. everything you say, all that you do -- it's all done in a way which still allows you to protect yourself. they're all different names for the same thing. and truth be told, that's just not fair. you know why.

you had never gotten to the heart of the matter. but you just now accidently found yourself there. and you don't like it. it's painful and more frightening that just about any possible exterior set of circumstances. because it's inside of you. and you can't run from that.

so what now?

first, shift you, you've, and yourself
to i, i've, and myself

and realize that [i] can't keep doing this to [myself] any more.



i've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
but i think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if
even if you don't love me any more

i've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
but i think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if
even if you don't love me any more...


and what about this forgiveness?
who's the one who really needs to give it?
who's the one who really needs to get it?