mood: woot!
music: death cab for cutie - transatlanticism

happy birthday, Jesus. (yeah i know it's way late, but i haven't been by a computer lately and it't not like he's going to be upset with me. i'd like to think Jesus is a bit more gracious than that)

in any event, i hadn't posted in a while since i've been christmasing with the fam in illinois and there is no such thing as current technology there. well, except for the new videocamera my aunt got especially for the occasion. gee, i can't wait to watch videos of me opening presents at 4 in the morning in 10 years. should be quite the sight.

so i'm back in o-town for EXACTLY ONE WEEK. i leave next thursday to fly back to chi-town so that i can go to fri-zance on the 8th. that means we have to drop it like it's really really hot while i'm still here. speaking of binge-drinking (which is what drop it like it's hot will refer to for the moment) i need to go do that. so here i go. party up!

happy new year...bitches...

mood: woo to the mothafuckin hoo on this one, kids
music: godspell - we beseech thee

remember that time when i didn't post for 300 years? yeah, that was a good time.

so what the hell happened to me you might ask? i don't know really. things have been so insane that i cannot actually recall what my life has been like. but now that the semester is over i may be able to get back to some sense of normalcy. and by normalcy, i mean kick it old school with my favorites and boozehound it up a notch.

a quick recap of the past 2 or 3 weeks:

killed one of my roommates - or maybe she moved out, who knows?
finally finished the directing scenes
had 5 papers all due in one week
got fucking pumped to go to france
got cast in godspell
witnessed the most bizarre ex-girlfriend versus new girlfriend confrontation
found out i couldn't come back to loyola next semester
sarah gabel saved my ass (ironic, i know)
found out i could come back to loyola next semester
got to see dre for a night
bonded with lauren
took an entire day to do nothing of great importance
found out that there's an underground rumor that i'm going out with patrick quinlan. which is
real funny considering that i'm best friends with his actual girlfriend
heard the greatest story ever about a certain max and his special problems
listened to brandon talk a lot of funny shit about people behind their backs
made friends with ira
took some time to
hung out with a motley crew of randoms...no, not just laurence
bonded with mark
embarassed my bitch ass finals and wrote them an apology:

Dear Finals,

I am sorry I kicked your asses, owned you like bitches, and pimped you like ho's. I am also sorry that I did this all week long and in front of so many people. Please forgive me. I did not mean to embarass your punk bitch asses.

Always,
Taria

and drank a lot. or rather, didn't drink at all. which is wherein the problem lies. so i'm gonna go do that tonight. yep, gonna get drunk off my ass and party up at the volcano tonight. should be amazing. holla.

drop it like it's hot...

mood: anxious for today's auditions
music: damien rice - cannonball

some time early last month i was preparing the island calendar for the rest of the year, so i turned my wall calendar to december to check out some dates. i never bothered to turn it back. and every time i wondered what day something was (in november), i would look over at the calendar and say, "damn. it's on december. well that's no help at all." but for some strange reason, i was never ever inclined to go change the damn thing. and then dec 1, we got our first real snow (while we were on campus - thanksgiving break doesn't count) and other good things started happening and i started to function like a normal person with the eating and the sleeping and the whatnot. all on december 1. i don't know. for some reason, that just seemed strange to me.

mystical or something of the like

mood: quiet...
music: n/b - i would give everything

in the midst of all of this chaos, everything going wrong, a future literally on the brink of crumbling, a workload that's drowning me, people i can no longer stand, sleep drought, situations and circumstances that are choking the life out of me, sanity that is slowly but surely slipping away

just when i'm ready to open the window and leap...


i talk to jenna
i get an email from fisch
i find out we're leaving a day earlier for france
i walk in the rain with my dumb gap umbrella that i love
i find that the lake is still right outside of my window
dre calls and says she's coming on thursday
december comes
it snows






doesn't make everything better, but reminds me of some light i'd given up on finding.

mood: another day
music: john mayer - daughters

today. i did not write what i really meant. perhaps i was le tired. perhaps i was lazy. perhaps i lacked the heart. but for whatever reason, the words did not posess me. escaped. probably off into the void that is the matching grays on the other side of my window.

mood: slightly delirious
music: jamie cullum - all at sea

so tired i can't sleep, which is totally a lame amount of tiredness.
so much to get done in the next day. fyi, it will probably kill me.
my chest hurts. somehow i have upset the asthma.
i love mongooses. or mongeese. depending on which dictionary you consult.
sometimes it's awesome that it's almost thanksgiving.
fakesgiving will be held without me this year. sad, man, sad.

well, time to tackle that death-pile of tasks. since i won't talk to or see many of you, i suggest you bitches have a happy thanksgiving . . . or else.

mood:
music: modest mouse - ocean breathes salty

your body may be gone, i'm gonna carry you in
in my head, in my heart, in my soul
and maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again
well i don't
i don't know
i don't know
don't think so

well that is that, and this is this
you tell me what you want and i'll tell you what you get
you get away from me
you get away from me
collected my belongings and i left the jail
well thanks for the time, i needed to think a spell
i had to think a while
i had to think a while

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
in you head, in your mouth, in your soul
and maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old
well i don't know
i don't know
i don't know
i hope so

well that is that and this is this
you tell me what you want and i'll tell you what you get
you get away from me
you get away from me
collected my belongings and i left the jail
well thanks for the time, i needed to think a spell
i had to think a while
i had to think a while

well that is that and this is this
will you tell me what you saw and i'll tell you what you missed
when the ocean met the sky
you missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
when the earth folded in on itself and said,
"good luck, for your sake i hope heaven and hell are really there,
but i wouldn't hold my breath"
you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
in you head, in your mouth, in your soul
the more we move ahead, the more we're stuck in rewind
well i don't mind
i don't mind
i don't mind
how the hell could i mind?

well that is that and this is this
you tell me what you want and i'll tell you what you get
you get away from me
you get away from me

well that is that and this is this
will you tell me what you saw and i'll tell you what you missed
when the ocean met the sky







you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

mood: whoa
music: maroon 5 - must get out

what a strange series of days. can't even make sense of it myself yet. i took chang's advice and just let it happen (not unlike what happens with mikey g, feldmiller). so i went about the normal functions of life, accepting the fact that i was generally unhappy and my soul was broken. and it worked out just fine. i had a great weekend partying friday at mark milford's with pals (most notably the new and improved michael fagin - to who i must offer an apology for confusing with m.g.) and "meeting" the infamous jacob (who actually called me yesterday), partying saturday with my boys for the first time in way too long (oh man, i still don't even know what that craziness was all about), mysteriously dying on sunday and not coming home until after rehearsal and busy-bodying around until i crashed . . . hard.

in other news, if i crawled into a hole and died, do you think anyone would notice? this morning i woke up at 8 (note how i don't have classes until 11:30) and couldn't sleep any more. i felt a little sick, remnant of yesterday most likely. so i went to the gym. really regret that one. i can't keep any foodstuffs down. also, i discovered that there is a huge error on my account in the student business office. not such a big deal except i'm totally fucked for registration today. oh, and it's probably going to take up to 2 weeks to straighten this out because of the various bureaucratic procedures and approvals that will be needed to override the block. today is not looking promising. so i think i'll pass on characterization, hit up theology (we're discussing the human, biological, and ecological prospects of nuclear winter today - yay!) at 1:40 and then go over to erica's to hibernate for the rest of the day and evening.

also, remember that time when i had 3 other roommates and two of them were moving out and 1 wasn't coming back to school next semester? about that . . . tremendously excited for the space. but holy shit do i have a lot of stuff to get. it's surprising how much stuff 4 people can separately contribute to the proper (or in our case, dysfunctional) functioning of an apartment, or rather, the more appropriately termed, university-sanctioned, apartment style living area. and by the way, with all of the space i will have, NONE of you bitches out there will have ANY excuse for not coming to visit me since i may not be coming home soon. just so you know . . .

i'm lifting you up
i'm letting you down
i'm dancing till dawn
i'm foolin around
i'm not giving up
i'm making your love
this city's made us crazy and we must get out

this is not goodbye, she said
it is just time for me to rest my head
she does not walk, she runs instead
down these jagged streets and into my bed

running into bed is such a good idea . . .

mood: totally excited for another fun night (and fuck anyone who wants to talk shit about it...)
music: usher - confessions

"so what do i do now?"

Nothing, just let it play out...

man, chang, you give amazing advice.

mood: so that's what it is
music: travis - the invisible band

what's with everyone being so full of angst?

i figured out what's been up with me. my soul. something's wrong with it. it's difficult to put into words. but here's the thing, i've acquired a certain set of things i do and ways in which i do them over the course of my life. i go to class, i get good grades, i work very hard, i excel at the social game, i'm charming, witty, funny, deep, analytical, critical (sometimes too much), possessive, sarcastic (sometimes too much), bitchy, i call things like i see them, i talk shit about people behind their backs and then say it to their faces (or not - depending. but i guarantee you do it as well), i listen - i listen well and make it easy for people to come to me and talk about their problems and/or ask for advice. whatever. that's just me. but i've made some huge personality transitions. it's the same old story about how i'm not the same person i used to be. and somewhere along the way, my habits may have been ignored. i changed, but the way i am did not. little surprise that my standard m.o. doesn't satisfy me anymore.

how desperately difficult it is to be honest with one's self. it is much easier to be honest with other people. - edward white benson

so what do i do now?

mood: what the fuck?
music: guster - lost and gone forever

i wrote out this most excellent point. propositional and analytical, smart, clever. it was brill.

then when i went to publish it, the computer fucked up and lost it.

i sincerely hope this is not a prelude to the kind of week i will be having.

mood: really...
music: travis - the invisible band

as i was walking home from THE JESUS tonight, the moon was so very low...it was rising. and it was red. and orange. and yellow. and i didn't know what to think of it. i didn't actually think about it too much. just tried to enjoy it. because shortly thereafter it was high up in the sky. it was its normal eggshell color. and the fact that it had been anything else was little more than a secret between myself and the sky.

mood: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?
music: incubus - megalomaniac (and all their other angry music)

THEY elected him to another term. THEY elected to ban gay marriage. THEY kept the house under the republican thumb. THEY elected to say that all the atrocities, past, present, and future are A-OK. i did not do this. THEY are not my people. THEY do not represent me.

i'm so disenfranchised. i'm so distraught. i'm so angry. i don't know what the fuck i am going to do with myself. i don't want this.i don't understand this.

i do know that this is not a good thing. not a good thing at all.

some say the world will end in fire,
some say in ice.
from what i've tasted of desire
i hold with those who favour fire.
but if it had to perish twice,
i think i know enough of hate
to say that for destruction ice
is also great
and would suffice.


the aftermath in away messages:

(republicans)

StXBomber7: On this day more than ever I'm damn proud to be an American.

GoodGoIlyMissMoIly: My favorite heroes were always Cowboys... don't worry liberals, i'm sure skeletor is still happy with his millions of dollars in ketchup:-D

(dems)

changchang03: night....if bush wins....i'm gonna be pissed!

LiLDrEaMeR322: In Canada. Just kidding, I'm at class. But I bet I fooled some of you, right?
(in her profile:) I am from the biggest homophobic state in the country. Homophobes voted for the gay marriage ban by 63% (which I still maintain was partly due to that fact that it was so poorly worded), homophobes messed up my Ohio registration this summer, and homophobes are going to elect us the wrong president. I am no longer from Ohio. I am now from Canada.
And also, who needs the Louisiana Purchase? Let's sell it back. Along with New Mexico, Texas, Arizona, and Florida. And Ohio.

Kg00kg: I'm moving back to Canada in the morning.

thisisthris: is anyone else pulling their hair out?

Imaq00: i feel my cynicism starting to kick in

BVoss85: Packing for Canada.. any one want to come with?

Luv2danc85: and nebraska is a red state with my lone vote going to kerry

MaraJeanne: Class then packing for Canada...
This Message Comes from my 15 year old brother..."So basically Bush is going to win, but he's going to fuck things up so bad that Ms. Clinton will win in 2008"
the m8 factor: oh, but you should wear all-black today. I'm doing it as my own personal protest.
MaraJeanne: yeah well
MaraJeanne: im wearing sweat pantsMaraJeanne: i dont want to look cute ever again

CheeseGod:
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.


Papasmurf358901: A note to terrorists, take out the south next time around. Who fucking re-elects Bush, who does that? I'll tell you who the stupid fucking south. Why do we let them vote they are always bigoted stupid assholes when it comes to any issue. I now have to deal with him for another four years after legitimately being elected this time. I am officially a self-hating American and I hate that I have to be dragged along in this charade of rediculousness. Welcome to America, where we have the freedom to be douchebags.




well, said, Matthew, well said...

mood: content
music: dave matthews band - best of what's around

- interesting things will be going down in my apt in the next few weeks
- i turned in the best paper ever written
- i think i've decided to go ahead and declare that crazy philosophy second major i was originally intending to pursue -sociolgy will then become a minor, perhaps along with peace studies
- i got particularly drunk this weekend and looked REALLY hott doing it
- i'm turning into jacob ware (don't ask)
- i'm going to go to all of my classes this week...i promise
- i am irrationally exuberant about voting on tuesday
- i am ridiculously addicted to thefacebook
- i've accidentally discovered at least two new sets of best friends?
- lampland boulevard should be able to resume a somewhat normal posting schedule
- tess was finally able to speak to frat matt this weekend (the universe is coming unraveled at its seam...just look up and to your right...see?)


and kelly is back home (hazaa!) and jeff is back in santa clara making us all more uncomfortable than ever!




sometimes i can't help but just laugh at my crazy ass existence. oh man, oh man...

mood: bad
music: belle and sebastian -dear catastrophe waitress

it's a struggle. i just have to make it to nov 5 and everything will be okay. i'm going to go to my brother's house for the weekend and regain some sense of sanity. the problem is not that we haven't had an adequate number of breaks, it's just that i've stayed here during all of them. i need to get away. i grow so weary of...people. there are probably about 6 that i can still stand to spend close, intimate time with. the boulevard, the facebook, and taize services do mitigate the severity somewhat. god, i always feel so balanced and grounded after taize. but more and more i find i can't concentrate as much during the service and i can't hold on to the feeling as long.


right. just need to get away. sign off aim, refrain from checking my email, and turn my cell phone off.

a true break from the world. wouldn't that be novel? what a beautiful idea.

mood: being sick makes me tired
musc: keane - somewhere only we know

i gave in. went to the wellness center. i was expecting them to tell me some bullshit about me being pregnant and send me on my way with a few coughdrops. surprisingly enough, they were very helpful. i got some druuuuugs and whatnot, so in a couple days i should start feeling better. in the meantime i guess my goal is to stop falling down. seems pretty reasonable to me.

COUNTDOWN
4 days till party time at laura's
5 days till halloween
10 days till chilli fest at bro's
30 days till thanksgiving

mood: sleepy
music: nico - fairest of seasons

shit. i'm alive. it's a miracle.

THINGS THAT THE GENERAL PUBLIC MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW OR CARE ABOUT

fall party part deux was badass. can't wait till winter party.

i'm so fucking sick. i might just die this time.

michael gonring has never been inside of me. not during medea - not ever. (neither has thulani - though ryan holds that he came pretty damn close. whatev...lies)

some things NEVER happened. (Except for maybe that one thing with that one person whose name may or may not rhyme with Lat Findland)

if you're reading this, i will probably be sending you a letter about my service trip to france, begging you for money (even just a little change). so you might as well leave your address in the comment section. because i am going to find you. one way or another.

usually llamas make a humming sound, but when frightened or attacked, make a shrill screaching noise.

mood: ahhhh
music: franz ferdinand - franz ferdinand

four. yes. four. three on friday. one on saturday. knew three of the four names.

let's just say there's some real dirt for the boulevard.




let's just say it was a damn good weekend.

mood: anxious
music: the shins - chutes too narrow

not much to say. a crazy week. (so busy i didn't even get to hang out with ivna) even crazier one coming up. i have two midterms and a research paper due on thursday. wtf? yeah, i know. at least the first cast party of the year is tonight. and you know what that means. drunk drunk drunk taria. which is always good fun for all. i'm so worn out from being sick (long story) and working that it's only appropriate that i get trashed tonight. and i'll probably make out with someone (ooh a scandal for Lampland Boulevard!). so there. take that learning. take that schooling. take that education. i will spite you tonight. i will spite you good...

bill (aka rico suave, bildo, or carlos von sexron?!) comes this weekend. get excited for this one kids...

mood: i heart my poppits
music: guster - two points for honesty (still)

hung out with a completely different group last night. jeff and brian came over early and general good times were had. let's just say that now my winter has is attached to the adult mobile. who could ask for more? eventually i left and ice creamed at kaffeine with osh, eric, osh's other roommate jason (who i never knew even existed and is kind of cute), and little freshman adam (who is definitely a favorite now). i had the best caramel apple pie sundae. in fact, it was a little too delicious and it killed my soul a little. valmont was there. that's all i'll say about that.

after an unsuccessful attempt to obtain the necessary liquers for amaretto sours (classy! but we got to bruno's the very moment they were closing). i went to watch the moon rise with my poppits: brian, jeff, kelly, and bethiii. so much fun. a definite discovery was made: we all have to hang out - just the five of us - all the time. and we'll be like a teen drama. in fact, we have a title and a theme song and everything...except characters. but that's cool. how hard is it really to act like a big dumb highschooler. hell, we all did it for at least 4 years. i'd say we're pros by now...

alright. time to jet. a fun-filled day with erica and laurence is in order. followed by a naughty night most likely...but that was assumed wasn't it?

mood: lazy day
music: guster - two points for honesty

fall break goodness. an odd series of days so far. friday night andypants, the durk and i got an early start on things by drinking before we went to see liaisons. andy and the durk were pretty tipsy. that shit was funny. the play was good. the cheese cubes, diet coke, and pumpkin pie at the reception afterwards was better. but that may just be because i can eat those. one surely cannot eat a play. well, maybe the grimace can. but he can do a lot of things i can't. andy, lindsey cacich, and bethiii came back to the apt and we all drank merilly and ordered free food while a drunk durk attempted to pack for nyc. kelly, donna (kel's wicked cool bff from home), and jeff eventually came over and joined the festivities. good times were had in santa clara 4d. we then went to stephanie velasco's apt (the best party choice EVER since she lives across the street). things got pretty crazy there. fun stuff. amaretto sours. mmm. i think dan punched me in the liver, though. but coming from him that's probably just a sign of endearment. our little group left at some ridiculous time in the morning and went and sat by the lake (ROCK MAN!). i don't remember much outside of the iambic scattameter incident, but i know it was good fun...i think i was in bed by 6. but that's debatable i suppose...

saturday i got up at like 2. lunched with osh who talked nonstop about batboy! and then went to his apt for callbacks. good stuff. carla was there most of the time and i.fields was there for a bit. the three of us together are totally allstars. you know its true. i got back home at around 8 i think. napped until kelly woke me with what sounded like a rogue attempt to bust through a door instead of opening it. that experience left me wholly disoriented. then she left to hit up bruno's with bethiii. the durk was already gone and meghan was "indisposed" with louis and nick at his apt. so i sat around alone and bored for a while. in some strange turn of events i ended up with osh and laurence on belmont at clarke's at 1:45 in the morning. now for those of you who know the belmont area, being there at such a time on a weekend can only result in a lot of wackiness: transvestites, pimps (in full attire complete with pinstriped suits, feather in hat, and canes), and potted plants mysteriously falling from the sky. and that's all i have to say about that. we then met up with oregonites beth and kate. it was kate's 21st bday and she was stupid drunk (she kept saying the craziest things to and about me - funny stuff, ask me sometime). she made beth go with her to the oasis (beth doesn't have a fake) and stand outside for 2 minutes while she went inside. just because she could. after that venture we went back to beth's place, which was a little surreal. i.fields was passed out and this girl who i didn't know was pseudo-sleeping on the couch. but they did have some badass birthday cake and this hilarious artsy book that had something to do with chickens? i don't remember the title, but will own it someday. then osh drove us all - plus stupid drunk kate - back home.

today is a lazy lazy day. i was going to study, but then i realized i don't have much to study for. good stuff. i may spend some time in shakespeare for characterization since i haven't turned in my homework for a week. it's a good thing dr. gabel loves my ass...might go take some pics around the city. might drop in on laurence at work. who knows.

i think i'm partying with "the boys" tonight. now that's guaranteed to be good times. you can expect some sordid tales from that soon...

mood: woot!
music: snow patrol - chocolate

kathryn's mom sent us presents: winter hats with our names on them! i know. you're jealous. as well you should be. you should also be jealous because i'm on fall break and you're not. and because there is a shit ton of vodka in my freezer.

mmm...

mood: ?
music: ben folds five - whatever and ever amen

today i realized that i don't know very many of the little details about my brother's life. and yet i love him so much and feel so close to him. i suppose i could always ask him.

before that i realized that i don't know much of anything about my father's life. and yet i love him with everything i am and at times feel incredibly close to him. but it is much too late to ask him.

death is so permament. sometimes i feel like i can't handle it. i know one day he'll call to say hello. and he'll apologize for being away for so long. and he'll dote on me and tell me how proud he is. and then we'll set up a day to get together. we'll make up for missed time. a day to catch up.

i feel like i'm so far behind... i can never catch up.

music: howie day - stop all the world now
mood: all these places feel like home...

the day was what i would call "absentmindedly beautiful." cool and crisp. breezy. unobtrusively sunny. gorgeous. but you wouldn't immediately realize it. but as i stood on the el platform with the sun reflecting in my eyes, my hair blowing around my face, and howie day's perfect time of day playing from my headphones around my neck, it dawned on me.

and in all that beauty i could recall all the times i've looked at the stars. and the feeling of sand between my toes. and watching the moon set in mexico. and playing in the warm rain. and cuddling close. and the serenity of sunrises. and losing myself in the flow and ebb of the sound of waves. and laying in the bed of a pickup truck under the endless texas sky with my best friend in the whole world wondering at just where life was taking us.

and knowing it was taking me to that very moment.

mood: cazy
music: chicago movie soundtack

in ode to deciphe this post, you must ealize that i have left out all of the r's (except fo that one). don't ask questions. just know that it's the way they talk in ieland.

they ae all cad caying cool kids.

mood: WOOT!
music: maroon 5 - sunday morning

so i just got THE phone call! seems as though ms. taria will be spending some of christmas break in france!! abi trip. it's going to be amazing.

get excited for this one...

mood: fuck
music: oasis - don't look back in anger

so sally can wait
she knows it's too late as she's walking on by
my soul slides away --

so concussions make time in your schedule for the following things: aqua teen hunger force, mind-fucking freshman, making detailed plans for future debauchery, getting behind on classwork, and philosophizing.

i don't have the presence of mind to use the "elite" vocabularly which is so characteristic of my standard philosophical blatherings, so i'll just get down to it. basically two different "groups" of people were supposed to come and visit me this weekend. both bailed on me. at first that was cool because my apt is already way too small for the four of us that live here without adding 4 more, it's messy like the dickens (and you KNOW how messy the DICKENS are!), and there's a great deal of drama going on within the walls of santa clara 4d. not to mention i was happy to have a completely open weekend and not to have to entertain people for 3-4 days. but then i realized that i had forgone a couple of really important things in order to accomodate this visit.

first of all, i didn't audition for les liaisons dangereuses - one of my top three favorite shows of all time - because i knew if i got in, we'd be too heavy into rehearsal for me to get away to be with them. now i don't know for sure that i would have been cast...but the point is i didn't even audition. i missed a perfect opportunity for an amazing process with one of the best (and one of my favorite) directors in our dept and in the country. i also dropped my practicum for the semester because i knew i'd have to work it till 6 on friday and then 10-5 on sat and sunday. this completely fucked up my plan to have practicums done by my senior year, and to keep this on track with my crazy schedule of credits and deferments i'll have to do 2 over a summer.

"but taria," you might say, "that's your own damn fault." i know. that's just it. i'm not mad at the particular people, as i understand that things just don't work out sometimes. i'm severely annoyed with myself for allowing things - on a hyperbolized scale - life...to pass me by. not that i don't love my pals dearly and wish i could have gotten the chance to see them since i haven't since early in the summer. i just feel like i should know better by now than to sacrifice on such a scale. where the hell was my sense of priorities? did someone take it (brrrrian!)?

and if so, could you please promptly return it as i am clearly in desperate need.

ah well. this is why we have periods of personal growth.

but don't look back in anger
don't look back in anger
i heard you say

at least not today...

mood: sooooo sleeeeeepy
music: azure ray - new resolution

so i have a concussion. that's right, kids. i've been having issues with the old asthma, so it's been pretty routine for me to break out my nebulizer (breathing machine) before i go to class in the morning. well, for those uncool non-asthmatics out there, the nebulizer is go big or go home, balls to the walls, intense, badass shit. and it will make your ass wicked dizzy. which is what it did to me. so i went into the bedroom to sit down for a spell, but tripped and fell and hit my head on the corner of one of our dressers before finding the ground. bad news bears. not trusting the campus wellness center (since they would probably just tell me that i was pregnant and had a cold) i called both my doctor here in chicago and my pediatrician in omaha and they both said i would probably be fine but to keep a close eye on my symptoms and to go right to the hospital if anything else happened.

so...yeah. all i really want to do is go to bed. but you can't do that when you have a head injury. damnit.

hell... at least i get two days off from class...

mood: ho hum...
music: john mayer - daughters

"I'm realizing what I need. No, what I want. I don't really need anything, now do I? Anyhoo. I know what my ideal is, and what I think it always has been. I want to be understood. I don't believe in that "you complete me" stuff. Two people are independent entities from each other. One and one equals (that's right, say it with me now) TWO. And that's not a bad thing. I am complete...at least I'm getting there. What I'm looking for is understanding. Sometimes, I feel like I'm less than 100% Meghan with people because I'm anxious to have that person see a certain part of me that I think they'll like best or perhaps that I want them to see and like best. Sometimes it's silliness and humor, other times it's depth and melancholy. Back to what I want though. I want someone to share the silence with. My gawd, I feel like I have so much bottled up inside of me, all these beautiful thoughts and emotions and ideas and words...that no matter how hard I try, I can't get outside of myself, I can't verbalize them, bring them into being. I want someone to know those things, see them INSIDE, understanding what's in there. I want him to think with me. And I, in turn, want to think with him. I want to know all his beautiful thoughts, too. I want to know that they're there and that they're magnificant, even if I don't know what the actual ideas are. And we can sit, music or silence, and think together. Wouldn't that be beautiful?"

how is it that someone i feel like i hardly know can verbalize the contents of my soul? my word. meghan is brilliant. and i get to live with her.

in other news:
HAPPY MOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY BILL!
(also to Bethy and James, but mostly to Bill)

mood: sonofabitch
music: nelly furtado - powerless (say what you want)

holy shit. it is so hot. hot in herrre. it's so hot i can't move. it's so hot i can't think. it's so hot i can't even make sense of my outfit. and there are 8 million people in my apt. and they're all making noise. but it's too hot for extraneous noise(s).

save me, Jeebus, save me.

megan, i just want you to know that my prayers are with you. i know that God will guide and keep your family through this tremendously difficult time. if you ever need anything, or nothing at all, you know how to reach me.

i send all my love - esp to bruce - one of the all time best fathers...

mood: eh...
music: coldplay - a rush of blood to the head

and here i come
westbound
leave the motor running because i'm on the run
in this crowded world i'll be high waiting when the last train comes

sparks fly, i hit the ground running
i'm in the air on the side of the road
good work...never comes easy
hey driver, to the top of the world
sparks fly, i hit the ground running
time stops at the end of the road
the big life, big deals, beginnings,
hey driver, to the top of the world...

mood: thoughtful
music: snow patrol - final straw

nothing considerably interesting has happened to me since the last post. at least nothing that i could possibly shroud in the usual non-descript shades of wit under the guise of relating it to the standard blog school of thought to which most of us have been ascribed...

music. always an enormously intrinsic part of my life. immeasurably magnified lately. i was introduced to a new level of brilliance in the form of snow patrol. amazingly profound band. their lyrics are incredibly thought provoking. very beautiful and mellow sound. someone described them as a slightly harder version of belle and sebastian, which is terribly amusing if you know anything about b&s. they're from northern ireland (accents!), which makes them badass by default. so i guess the fact that they're astounding makes them even more awesome. i would go so far as to say they are wicked cool - even stupid cool. (eh kelly?)

this could be the very moment
i'm aware i'm alive
all these places feel like home...

i suppose if i had to characterize the last couple of days i would say they were defined by complex experiences. even more complex emotions. so many of those "perfect moments" i always seem to be referring to. some of the most sincere moments. that growth. that transformation. that adaptation. it's palpable now.

goodness knows i saw it coming
or at least i'll claim i did
but in truth i'm lost for words...

mood: chill
music: sarah mclachlan - surfacing

"family guy is a lot like jesus. no one really appreciated it until it was cancelled..." - matt

what an odd afternoon/evening. intended to stay in and read my two plays. that was first interrupted by an overzealous taria wanting to work out. after two sessions of kickboxing and a "normal" workout, my body is sorely displeased with me. then laurence decided to stop by while i was bumming around the apt in nothing but a towel. laziness overcame me, so i didn't bother to put on any clothes. we delved into some interesting dept chat - spawned by the recent round of auditions. special k got in on that when she got back from evanston and introduced us to one of the most brilliant musicals i've ever heard of. i forget what it's called, though...

laurence and i eventually made it over to mertz. i enjoyed some din and fab convo with matt (that's his quote up there) and brian (of the frosh variety). those boys are abfab. they give me some hope as to the state of the class of 2004. i then ended up hanging out w/ ryan and a bunch of his residents. andrew, zach, dave, duncan, ngu, and john, i think...what badass boys! i love them to death. AND they made me an honorary 14th floor member. apparently that's a very prestigious offer and not very many girls are extended such a title. i felt honored. they were all pretty tipsy. it was hilarious - good times were had by all. never really pictured myself hanging out with too many frosh this year, but i was proven wrong once more. i guess it's for the better, though.

ryan and i peaced out (his residents are convinced we were leaving to go have sex @ fordham) and went to visit angie. daisha, tammy, and sheena were there as well. that experience was just wacky. we were all so tired that we felt a little drunk. and you know that can only lead to crazy times.

hmmm...looking back, that wasn't a particularly interesting series of events at all. i guess you just had to be there.i think i'll go finish reading those plays now.

also, i think bill robinson may be one of the coolest people i've ever met. and one of my most underappreciated partners in crime. let the records show...

mood: sleepy - staying up just because i can
music: cat stevens - greatest hits

watching perceus swim around and around in his little self-contained realm of existence. hearing the faint echo of time of your life from across the room. watching as the blood red moon drifts across the sky. i cannot help but wonder at the moment, and how every moment i've passed through has somehow propelled me to where i am now. the intricasies are somewhat daunting.

feel like this semester is going to be a period of tremendous personal growth. which i have learned firsthand is not necessarily the equivalent of a period of "a whole shit load of fucking awesome times, dude." in fact, the last time this happened, there was something roughly equivalent to "the great schism." at least that's what it seemed like at the time. and while i don't anticipate any events of such magnitude to occur this time around, i also realize that things will be a'changing. namely myself. i also know that some people won't like that. such is life. mainly i'm excited for the positives. becoming a better person is always good news. and i'm particularly excited to strengthen some friendships. six specific ones and a slew of general ones, both old and new. oh, and i tend to post a great deal during these periods of great thought. so this is:

-good news. you'll have more to read?
-bad news. you'll have more to read and it'll probably be pretty dense in terms of intricate philosophies and big words?
-no news. no one reads this anyway.

alright. it's off to bed with me.

off to start being a better person.







does that mean i can't be a bitch anymore? if not, that sucks, because i'm funniest in the bitchy moments. you know it's true...

mood: awesome
music: red hot chilli peppers - can't stop

my classes are awesome.

my classes are better than yours.

just face it.

mood: glad to be alone...well, until a moment ago
music: azure ray - move on

what a wacky saturday. the day was rather boring. moving in was wholly uneventful. it was early. but it's over. thank God. finding out i could take over halas was somewhat exciting. the night started out with a game plan that stipulated that i would go to justin's going away party at jennie martin's for 60 seconds or less and consume some liquors, then i would run down the street to wish cassandra a happy birthday and consume some liquors, then i would go w/ some people to dan hammond's where i would consume a massive amount of liquors. so when we get to jennie's i immediately found out that cassandra's party wasn't down the street at all but completely across campus out in BFE. then found out that half of the people i was to go to dan's with didn't want to go any more. as i'm leaving with the other half of the people to head to dan's i realize that i don't feel like paying for mass transit when my upass would be working in two days and i didn't want to walk the extra 80 thousand blocks it takes to get to dan's place. so i stayed at jennie's and bummed around with colin, ian mcL, and colin's bff, amanda - who is awesome. i was still sober at this time so the party wasn't particularly interesting. my other three amigos eventually got bored and left, so i started mingling and met this great girl, kate, who gave me lots of coconut rum. mmm. then the party became much more exciting. the high note, ian fields' complete obsession with my breasts and friendly groping. (don't worry ian, all's well. i loved it!) after some good convo with golt, sherminator, and patrick quinlan i find out that the people who originally ditched out on me didn't like cassandra's party so they decided to come to jennie's. after some champaign, i start to feel really drunk and realize that i'd been sipping out of everyone's drinks that night so i had consumed more liquor than i had thought. yay. then it was time to head home. and by head home i mean we went over to thulani and michael gonring's party which was OUT OF CONTROL! let's not even talk about that. afterwards we met up with angie and co who gave me a ride home. had a drunken convo with kathryn. off to bed.

i don't think i did anything on sunday except work out at halas and visit my boys in georgetown. yes i am filled with jealousy. yes i will be over there all the time. it would behoove you boys to make the necessary preparations...

classes started today. i'm not prepared to make an assumption about how i will like the semester until i get thru tomorrow. i guess that means i'll probably post tomororow.

sigh.

just add it to my never-ending "to do" list. if you have anything to add to it you better tell me now...

mood: here goes the neighborhood
music: incubus - morning view

gannon committee meeting
book shopping
meeting with sociology advisor
drop in on dr. fredericks
attempt to make appearance at theatre dept's meet n' greet
back to hermitage
80 million phone calls
finalize those 19 hours
order more books
chill
collect on fooddues from laurence
try not to commit what would technically be justifiable homicde
party party party

finishing move-in - or move in legally as the case may be - hope we weren't caught - 6:30 AM
covert new id and u-pass pick up
probably more book store fun
shoe shopping downtown and closer to campus
help j-firks
do...more things
hopefully meet talitha
party party party

receive gifts from the brother while hung over
rest.
just kidding
do...even more things

classes begin








there goes the rest of my sanity.

mood: ahhhhhhhhhh...
music: the darkness - i believe in a thing called love

so adam schultz drunk dialed me last night and left this wicked funny message. it's the little things that truly count. just thought you should know.

dilemma: do i go back to rantoul to get my hair done on saturday or do i stay and go to dan's welcome back party? it's going to be one of the best of the year. but my hair really needs some help..."oh, the woes of being a socialite..." (shut up, Connor)

i've only been here around 48 hours, and yet everything is already insane. i love it. midnight trips to mertz, giving ryan shit while he tries to bust his residents' balls, department drama, wreaking havoc on fordham, running into jeff wonders, the never-ending osh saga, mysterious rainstorms, shady cable, trying to figure out quintin's 80 different passwords, loyola's new IDs and shit, being back together with the ebonys, general wackiness...i didn't realize how much i'd missed all this until i got back into it...how did i ever get through life without all this?

well, i'm off to shower and get hot for "the invite exclusive" tonight. food, fun, and fine liquours...i have a feeling this night will be one to remember...

whoever said high school would encompass the best years of our lives was an asshole.

mood: wacky
music: p.m. dawn - set adrift on memory's bliss

chicago = amazing.

seeing everybody today - it's like we never left.

bring it on chitown, bring it on...

it's so fucking great to be back.

mood: awwwww
music: semisonic - closing time

david, mary, barb, charisse, dre, liz, umang, nathan, sam, garret, kaylan. i've had to say goodbye to some of the best people in my life today. it didn't really hit me until i was driving home and flipped to one of those light rock stations that was playing "somewhere, out there." and i just realized how much i want to hold on to all of those perfect moments i've shared with those people. staff days, after-hours playtime, cuddling, drinking, all the pics on the cds kaylan made...it's difficult to feel enough gratitude for all of those memories...

but it's time to go. and i'm okay with that. i have all of those pefect moments. and while it's doubtful that i'll actively recall them all the time, and eventually their vividness may begin to fade and blur - just knowing that on some level they will always be right there with me is all the assurance and comfort i could ever need.

closing time
open all the doors and let you out into the world
closing time
turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
closing time
one last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
closing time
you don't have to go home but you can't stay here

i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home

closing time
time for you to go out to the places you will be from
closing time
this room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters
come
so gather up your jackets
move it to the exits
i hope you have found a friend
closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home

closing time
time for you to go out to the places you will be from

i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
i know who i want to take me home
take me home

closing time
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

just so everyone knows:

bills suck. (money and people - except for bill robinson)
money sucks. (since i don't have any)
i hate rich people.
i hate everyone.
i hate everything.

i need a drink.

mood: chill
music: fefe dobson - don't go

let me just state for the record that college scheduling is far superior to that of high school. when i've been out of school for nearly a month, the high schoolers are still going, and when i have two weeks yet to go they're back in session. it's just nice to think that while they suffer through the angst-ridden trials and tribulations of learning i can loaf around and blog all damn day.

in other news, the lawn is currently being mowed. yes, mark the infamous is back in action. i was so sad when i found out he broke his leg while snowboarding in the alps and wouldn't be working this summer. i lost all motivation to get out of bed on friday mornings. i mean, if there wasn't going to be an extremely hot, half-naked, 22 year old boy outside in the yard, why bother? but he's back in action. and i couldn't be happier. as this is the one and only opportunity i will have to see him, it's a little bittersweet - but better late (and once) than never right? i tell you, it's the little things that make life worth living...

in other other news, i am beginning to question whether or not we fine arts kids were as badass as we thought we were. while i was out with nathan last night he introduced me to all of his drama friends from school. holy shit, they were hella annoying from time to time. some of them were pretty pimp, but the rest... well it got me thinking, "were WE that obnoxious? did people outside of our little cult see us in the same light? if so, why didn't anyone tell us?" chances are we weren't half that bad, seeing as how we also considered ourselves to be of an obscenely high intellect and so attempted to portray that snobby, holier than thou image most of the time. but just in case, i offer an apology to any "outsiders" who had to spend excess amounts of time with us. our bad. (*note, i have also heard from two different sources -not from millard north - that our production of les mis totally sucked. wtf? someone needs to explain this to me...)

doorbell...mark must need something...yessssssssssss...

mood: ...girlie?!
music: black eyed peas - hey mama

well we all know what happens when taria starts to feel all happy and amorous and girlie: i lose my mind just a little bit. so i hereby absolve myself from all responsibilty for any posts logged for the next few days. there will probably be many. more than one per day in fact. consider yourself warned. we'll start off with one of those terribly annoying yet somehow satisfying surveys we all love to hate. enjoy.

Last car ride: home from dre's house last night
Last good cry: earlier this summer
Last library book checked out: last semester - something to do with the fashions in france during the 16th century
Last movie seen: harold and kumar go to white castle....ha!
Last book read: lorraine hansberry - to be young, gifted, and black
Last beverage drank: diet a&w root beer
Last food consumed: tuna
Last crush: that may be a little more recent than i'd like to admit!
Last phone call: cherise - telling her that i can facilitate the culture walk for her at peru state on friday
Last TV show watched: the simpsons
Last time showered: about 4 hours ago?
Last shoes worn: white flip flops from the gap/my new hot pink steve madden pumps
Last cd played: burned cd of songs i listen to while running
Last item bought: shoes and a handbag...my life
Last download: ringtones for my cell...gigolo by nick cannon and r kelly
Last annoyance: the post office runs incident
Last disappointment: lack of phone time with a certain someone yesterday
Last thing written: this.
Last key used: the key to my malibu
Last word spoken: saying goodbye on the phone
Last sleep: last night, went to bed at 2, got up at noonish
Last IM: i'm talking to jen go right now about seeking out the clitoris from south park to see if it knows where the almighty Hot Tub resides...don't ask...
Last weird encounter: meeting nicole's guy tony last night
Last ice cream eaten: ice cream sandwich...aah
Last time amused: last night when nicole asked if she could see my cleavage because dre told her it was amazing
Last time hugged: last night, saying goodbye to nicole and dre
Last time scolded: dre scolded me all weekend for not making out with a certain someone on friday night
Last time resentful: who wants to dwell on that?
Last chair sat in: the one i'm sitting in now
Last shirt worn: right now i'm wearing a loyola gannons sweatshirt
Last time dancing: probably the dance break at sonic in the car with dre and liz
Last poster looked at: the one of the hot guy on the wall of the room the guys share in "sorority boys"
Last show attended: pride players down at the rose
Last web page visited: kathryn's xanga...as that is where i stole this survery from

Complete The Sentence
* I once had a dream... that i was on the real world...and it was awesome.
* I don't even know why I'm... not out and about with the sextuplets right now.
* I'd give anything to have sex with... someone who was madly and unconditionally in love with me.
* Nothing sucks more than having to... leave a moment of total perfection.
* If I had six bucks i'd buy... those ballet flats i saw at oldnavy.com or some booze to share with my loves.
* It's hot. I should take off my... parka...or pants...like sinley.
* It's always more fun if you... do it with your friends...heh heh
* You can't eat steak without... lobster ...then cheesecake for dessert.
* You better shut up before I... karate chop you in the throat?
* I really like you and everything but... "you set my cow on fire last week." (haha connor)

that is all...thank you.

mood: nervous as hell
music: n.e.r.d. - maybe

i'm so fucking jittery right now. i'm waiting for a VERY important phone call that i'm not entirely sure is going to come...

but anyway, what an ab-fab weekend. you know it's good when all the days just kind of blend into each other and all you can recall is one giant block of badass-ness. but now i feel like i'm on borrowed time. i really do have to leave on friday.

ah. i can't keep my thoughts in line. think i'll call andrea for a pep talk.

hit up the cell if you want to kick it...

that is all...thank you.

mood: sigh...
music: ashlee simpson - pieces of me

the day:
farmer's market avec d.gut, dre, liz (the best new neighbor ever!), barb, todd, hillary, andrew, and umang
abercrombie & fitch (i know...) w/ dre and liz to see kellen
wheatfield's delicious yum yums w/ dre and liz
power shopping spree @ westroad's w/ dre and her madre
umang's for a power nap and shenanigans (nathan looked pretty good in those heels!)
mmmm...downtime and ice cream...
long talk w/ nathan
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! (still to come)

craziness like whoa. what else can i say at this point? i feel like i've just been thrown inside a tornado. i can't even describe how much my world has changed in the last 10 days. my life today hardly resembles the one that i knew beforehand. i couldn't be more confused. i couldn't be more amazed. and i'm pretty sure i couldn't be happier. things are spinning in an insanely wonderful direction. there's no happier ending (beginning?!) to be had. no better plot twist.

so to recap: NOT going (or wanting to go) to chicago for another week (i know it's amazing), new set of bff's, peace w/ the old bff's (hope makyle didn't read that one), new set of life goals, finding myself on the other side of "the backstab?!", not being able to stop smiling...
didn't expect that i would bond w/ umang, d.gut, tylena, and courtney (build it, put your hands on my hips, say it in english, what's wrong w/ your neck?, take off your clothes, what are you doing? get on the bus...!).
didn't expect andrea and i would become such great amigas that i would actually call her andrea instead of dre.
didn't expect to have such an instantaneous and perfect connection with nathan.
didn't expect to find such a fabulous life coach in the kk.
didn't expect to find such an intensely beautiful friendship in david. (and that's ALL i'll say about that...)

how swiflty and wonderfully life can change when you've no expectations.

perhaps i can finally comprehend the delicate and intricate exquisiteness in letting go














how lovely...

mood: elated!
music: modest mouse - float on

a decision has been made. i'm not leaving until next weekend. after such an emotional night and fabulous day, how could i? so let's make the best of this...

that is all..thank you.

mood: moody?
music: smashing pumpkins - thirty three

to all my folks in omaha. it looks like this is it. i'm sorry we couldn't say goodbye face to face. i'm sorry our good times together are often qualified with unfortunate times. but that is the way of life... know that you will always share some part of me. know that i love you. and this doesn't necessarily have to be an ending...

speak to me in a language i can hear
humor me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can't be late
supper's waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so i pull my collar up and face the cold
on my own

the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and odwn again
i know i'll make it
love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth

and you
can make it last forever
you
can make it last forever

and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i've journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i'm ready to return
i'll make the effort
love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow's just an excuse

and you
can make it last forever
you
can make it last forever
you
can make it last forever
you
forever you...

mood: thoughtful
music: death cab for cutie - the sound of settling

i'mmmmmmmmm back in action!

i cried for the first time about my leaving for school this evening. not for the reason(s) i had expected. i suddenly realized how deeply i bonded with my other staffers at camp. the fab five (or 6, or 7 or whatev), you guys have become my heart! all the freezing late nights, dqmd & sully, talking trash about everyone, "coloring with crayons," pillows, tables, the haters' meal and everything in between - all that in those 6 days has meant more to me than some of the memories i have from the whole 4 years i've lived in omaha. i feel like i've found a beautiful, unconditional love and friendship within all of you and to know that i only have our night out tomorrow...it breaks my heart. i know for certain i will see you tomorrow. and i know i will see most of you next year. but i also know that the time between will difficult without you. at the same time i know that connections like ours are never broken by time or space. and wherever our paths lead us, we'll all still be together in spirit, sitting at those picnic tables warding off delegates, talking about everything and nothing, and savoring life - if only for a moment. and yet...

pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong will never fall
but watching stars without you,
my soul cried.

speaking of camp, it was wonderous and profound as always. but it has really thrown me into some serious turmoil about my life. being at camp (and more specifically, talking to david on the wacky ride home) has made me realize just how passionate i truly am about social justice. and how i can't live without it. i want to keep doing this for the rest of my life. specifically i want to keep coming back to staff the anytown here in omaha. while i could go work the ones in salt lake or chicago, i don't want to! i just want to stay with the one here. but goodness knows i'm not going to live in omaha. if i were to keep working towards my plans of acting and then eventual "professing," then i'll likely be living in chicago or new york. and let's face it. a career in acting would never alow me to take a week off to fly in and do this. at the same time, i don't think i can survive without my theatre. i've built and planned a whole life around the idea that it would be my number one - the one thing i would surely die without. so i thought maybe i could just skip the whole acting bit and go right to being a professor - with the hopes that i could teach theatrical dramaturgy and more specifically, a class that examines the roles of theatre and social justice as pivotal within society. but to skip being an actress? could i really do that?

i'm definitely in crisis mode. i need to make a decision about all this. as far as majors are concerned, i don't have any more time for dick, dick, dicking around. i have 3 years to finish this college bit. and when those scholarships and grants run out...i'll be out as well. i've never been so confused or doubtful about my future. my whole life i've had a plan of action for whatever it was that i wanted to do. and it is only now - when i am older, supposedly wiser, and ready to go forth into the world that i become unsure and shaken. now i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and as long as i stay proactive in my life, things will all fall into place. but i don't feel like i have control. alas, the ultimate struggle of the control freak. time again to let go...maybe have a little faith.

faith in myself.

that is all...thank you.

mood: nervous
music: john mayer - heavier things
days to camp: 1(!)
days to chicago: 10

crazy day of responsibility shopping. getting all the little things i need to take with me back to loyola. only ten short days left. seven of those days i will be MIA. i have packed one box. i need to get a move on. i'm actually a little nervous. i don't want to forget anything. i don't want to overlook any details. i will be entirely too busy trying to enjoy this year i have been given to be concerened over the things and issues that got lost in the shuffle. i guess i just feel like i'm really pushing things and getting down to the wire. just trying to get everything square away today (argh!) because i know i won't be able to do it all in the two days i have when i get back next week.

time for negative-anti-dis-un-not-awkeitude to commence. i've got a long day ahead of me.

but my night is open for business. call me. biatches.

that is all...thank you.

p.s. i saw ross brown today. and his hair
WAS
NOT
PERFECT

i died a little inside.

mood: accomplished!
music: badly drawn boy - year of the rat
lyirc: "every day we've got to hold on. cause if we hold on, we could find some new energy."

*you bitches better start loving me, 'cause once i'm gone, i'm gone...
camp: 3 days
chicago: 12 days

woot. i'm feeling pretty good. packed my first box today AND threw away all the papers i didn't need and organized the ones i kept. once again it's serving to finalize that nagging fact that i'm peacing out of here pretty soon. but it also got me excited. i made a list of 20 goals for first semester and had an amazing epiphany. this year is a blank slate, an empty vase, unmolded clay, fresh canvas. freshman year was absolutely marvelous, but it came with strings attached: will i like it, will i be successful, can i handle this, will i grow up; all that crazy adjustment and feeling things out pretty much came first and left minimal time for genuine decision-making and creativity. this year will be whatever i make of it. good. bad. bittersweet. i am the main player in this game and i am the one calling the shots. a daunting thought when you consider the responsibility and consequences that loom. incredibly exciting when i envision the endless possibilities. and the knowledge that i will absolutely begin to truly come into myself and shape my life - well that's roughly as invigorating(!) as life can get.

that is all...thank you.

mood: i hope they vote that jodi character off of road rules
music: jamie cullum - frontin'
days till camp: 4
days till chitown: 13

the past few days have been great. shopping with vasta and abby was good fun and we did an amazing job of making him look hot if i do say so myself. and i do. spent a day down at nccj doing some office work to get ready for camp. and even though the 3 hours of phonecalls to campers/voicemail/parents that was included was somewhat less than desirable, i am still SO excited. camp is going to be brilliant. and i'm finally one of the importan staff. and it only took 3 years.

spent some quality FREE movie time with mayor daub on wednesday and thursday. thank God for his deadend job at amc!

napoleon dynamite
the bourne identity
the village (woot for private screenings)

*note - if you want to have a worthwhile life you will go see these movies

hit up grisanti's with the usuals last night. stupid mayor daub and needing to sleep. he only gets a summer townhouse! that was good, clean, fun. vasta ditched after dinner to go see the village with sinley, but all is forgiven for he will now have a worthwhile life. see above. back at the meister's, coop-a-loop was pissy about hand gestures and mother jan told us mysterious tales of her travels to las vegas and atlantas. i learned that on vacation, one should stash the husbands where they can't hurt anyone or anything and all i need to get over my newly discovered fear of flying is booze. i am a believer. the rest of the night cultivated some good girl talk and semi-nudity. (that veet is good stuff, i tell you!)

today i was up at 9:00 (?!) to hit the joslyn with sammie, kk, sean, and ray. it was my first time there. i found it...interesting at best. i bet i just need to see the rest of it. we cut out early to go down to the old market and get harassed by the socialist party and grab some mexican food. heard that kk and sammie are planning to go back to minneapolis to see chang before the end of the summer. i would really really like to go as well, but i think they're going to go while i'm at camp. ah well. but it does force me to realize how final my leaving is. no thanksgving, no fall break, no christmas break, no summer. rinse and repeat. i don't know when i'll be back to omaha, but it won't be for a long time. so these last hurrahs are REALLY the last ones, and i'm trying to get in as many as possible and trying to enjoy them as much as possible.

but i digress. after some good eats ($70 worth) and a bathroom bonding experience, we stopped by homer's then i proceeded to resist the urge to go into the handbag and shoe store FOR THE SECOND TIME TODAY. i really deserve a plaque for my valiance. i mean, seriously, all they sold were handbags and shoes - it was a store i was born to shop in! but i let it go...for now.

i couldn't bring myself to accompany sammie to the oakview old navy, so i'm a little bored. i'm interested to see if kk and mayor daub will call when they're done outing the van halen show down at the civic. and if we all hit the zoo tomorrow. we shall see. but damnit, you bitches better believe we're gonna ride the damn train if we go!

(still looking for a witty ending line, but for now, you get the usual)

this cannot be denied. many have tried. and have been served.

that is all...thank you.

mood: sleepy?
music: travis - the invisible band
days till camp: 9
days till chi town: 18

*last night, mayor daub definitely farted on kk's face... just so you know.

sean meister looked like he really enjoyed his faery wings, light up crown, sceptor, earings, princess tattoos and feather boa. if he turns out to be a drag queen... well... let's just say i don't think we'll be too surprised.

most other things went well at the party. MOST. let's just say i'm struggling. trying to do the stand up thing and be the bigger person and all that bullshit. but people make it hard. well, not so much "people" as one person. i only carry on this civil attitude for the sake of a friend (yeah i know, i'm doing something for the sake of someone else). i just hope that friend realizes appreciates it...

it was good to spend quality time with sam vasta and abby. and shopping with them tomorrow is going to be fantastic. strange how i was at this party all night, but had the most fun when we left and went to IHOP at midnight (not that the princess party wasn't a good time). it's truly the random, off the wall, "little," times that i have with people that mean the most to me. i think i'll miss those when i leave. yeah, miss something in omaha.

it was bound to happen sooner or later.

that is all...thank you.

mood: bleh
music: mase - welcome back

i need a new end line for my posts. if you have any ideas that aren't stupid (bill.) then you should post a comment.

also, i saw rowings at ace hardware the other day. he leaves in one week. caffeine dreams is friday night. if we're going to go through with any plans, we better get on our shit.

with regards to the last post, it's good to know that you're still reading. i just got curious when i didn't see any more commenting recently. oh and bill, while i'm glad to know that you're still a douche nozzle, i was a little disappointed in your comment, as it was exactly what i expected. step up your game a bit.

watched some classic dave chappel. for the record:

"i'm rick james, bitch."
never challenge prince to a game of basketball
charlie murphy is incredibly underappreciated

i've been exploring the world of direct tv lately. it is truly fascinating. i can watch daria (!) and a different world, and episodes of wheel of fortune from 1979! now if that isn't exciting, i don't know what is. i can play games (like a version of bejeweled with assorted bugs instead of jewels) and  i can even check my biorhythm - which appears to be the predictor of my physical, inspirational, emotional and intellectual statuses throughout the month. there are musical channels galore...including one with only showtunes. nathan, ian, it is our dream come true! and the porn...so much porn. there is no room for playing porn, porn, Jesus. one can only play porn, porn, porn (it's too bad i detest that stuff, otherwise i'd be in heaven). and all from the comfort of my seat in front of my own 60 inch televsion. though i must admit that biorhythm thing is a little creepy...

the pretty pretty pretty princess party is tomorrow, er...tonight. i am hella excited. and you bitches better believe that i'm going to wear my prom dress! his majesty is going to flip shit...and like it. maybe we can still get ray's penis into his mouth. or at least a solid tea bagging. aaron nohrenberg would be proud.

this cannot be denied. many have tried. and have been served.

that is all...thank you.

mood: mellow
music: smashing pumpkins - thirty three

does anyone read this thing any more?

just curious.

that is all...thank you.

mood: relief (maybe...)
music: n.e.r.d. - maybe

tonight was a great success. drama free and full of old friends. just the way i like it. but such enjoyable times yet again failed to keep my overactive and overanalytical mind from churning over yet another of life's assorted mysteries.

this early morning's insight - or more appropriately, the lack thereof - arrives thanks to my attempts to seek out a balance between happiness and contentment, and insecurity, fear, and doubt. after some examining of my most recent action(s)/reaction(s) it seems as though i follow a patttern  with regards to my wacky outlook on life. i (more frequently now than ever) find myself in a good place in life - a place where i am able to appreciate all that surrounds me to the point where such nondescript and intangible entities (such as happiness) seem fairly palpable. but then my "conciousness" alerts me to some problem - generally inconsequential - that i dwell on. this one issue becomes all consuming - growing so swiftly and fiercely in its severity (or at least the false severity that i begin to presume it posesses) that it soon dwarfs the positivity of all the other things which originally comprised my joy.
this focus naturally spirals into bouts of moodiness, depression, and nervousness (fucking panic attacks). and there i find myself, once again wrenched from happiness and delivered into the ever loving arms of that which can most likely be classified as teen angst. and all by my own hand, no less.

so i pose the question: how does one create a balance between happiness and insecurity?

i don't know. what i do know is that this balance must be a healthier alternative to the circles in which i'm running myself. it seems logical that one must posess the ability to recongnize a fault or other negative issue and put it in its propper place where it can be assessed and worked on. at this juncture, i must sadly recognize that i don't posess this ability. and even my dwelling on this fact could quickly become an obscenely troublesome obsession. i'm not quite sure where in myself to search for this quality, and that is what has become ultimately bothersome; i don't know how to seek a solution.

which consequently means that the only remaining option is to let go. and we all know how good i am at that. but this time i am inclined to think that this is worth a shot.

even if it is a long shot in the dark.
very long.
very dark.
pitch black.

that is all...thank you.

mood: excited
music: modest mouse - float on

going out tonight with a bunch of old high school amigos. i'm anxious to see how this psych experiment is going to play out. you know how you have different groups of friends and you can't mix them or bad things happen...like double homicides? well, that's exactly what we're all doing tonight. not the double homicides...although...

wish me luck! i'm going to need it.

this cannot be denied. many have tried. and have been served.

that is all...thank you.

 

mood: content
music: franz ferdinand - take me out
 
i learned to let go. things will almost never go the way you plan them, so there's no need to waste the time. and being unpredictable and adventurous is truly what it's all about. and through everything i just kept hearing lisa loeb's wishing heart.
 

and it's not always candy spun from head to heart
and it's not always meant to be
and it's not always up to me...

 
pther than that, i will just say that too many days have gone by to recount all the details. if you're really itching to know, you can always ask. then we can play hangman. it's the mutha fuckin greatest. but for know, you should know...
 
i am SO glad that i have free nights (starting at 7 - woot!) and weekends on my cell
 
spontenaity really is the key to happiness
 
new people are so much fun
 
some boys are piece of shit, cum-gobbling, douche nozzle, rim jobs - other boys are amazing!
 
i really do have some of the greatest friends in the world...when we're not feuding!
 
it's good to get shit-faced three out of four days of the weekend once in a while
 
burger king is the ultimate breakfast treat after a night of intense inebriation
 
the more you plan something out, the more it won't go according to plan
 
sometimes your friends will really fuck up your well-made plans
 
direct tv is awesome because i can now watch daria every single night
 
drunken hookups are clearly closer in my future than i thought - how exciting - rar
 
yeager bombs are delicious
 
my southern accent that comes on when i drink is totally hot
 
i am so in love with life.
 
this cannot be denied. many have tried. and have been served.
 
that is all...thank you.
 
 

mood: drrrrrrrrunk! and scheming
music: gavin degraw - i don't wanna be
 
holy shit. i wish blogger would stop changing. especially after i come home from a night of adult bevarages. it really throws me off.
 
okay, so tonight was a good night. i was supposed to hang out with some of my counselor people but those plans fell through and i ended up going to mike mcelroy's party. i think i did 6 shots of coconut rum. only i did it out my signature shot glass, which many of you know is a double shot glass. so i guess that means i did about 12 shots. and i had a smirnoff bitch beer. but somehow i'm not ALL that drunk. the coconut rum is weaker than regular shots. ah well, i am still in very high spirits.
 
i must mention that it was great to see adam (schultz - of maryville) again. what a badass boy! and so adorable. we really bonded tonight (though we would have bonded more if he was as indisposed as i). i think we exchanged numbers, but that's a bit blurry at this juncture. maybe i'll call him. if nothing else, we will definitely be hanging out tomorrow at the mary kay after party. (grrr...got to get some of that vodka if all is to go as planned, sam!)
 
i'm worried about what sam and mike are doing at this point (ewww) and REALLY looking forward to tomorrow.  sam knows why. let's just say we're scheming. which you know means we're up to no good. and that's how you like it.
 
biatches.
 
oh, and just for the record, i think i'm pretty badass for being able to type so well while inebriated. i just hope most of it is coherent. in any event, sam will understand all of it. woot!
 
this cannot be denied. many have tried. and have been served.
 
that is all...thank you.
 
 
 

*this is what i got the first time. most excellent. especially when you consider the stupid celebrity that i am destined to kill. smiles all around.

Who is in your celebrity family? by cerulean_dreams
User Name
Mom	Jamie Lee Curtis
Dad	Ben Stiller
Brother	Justin Timberlake
Sister	Hillary Duff
Dog	Milo
Boyfriend	Johnny Depp
Best friend	Drew Barrymore
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

*okay, after playing around with name combinations, i got this one. this is so fucked up...check out who my father is...then check out who the boyfriend is...

Who is in your celebrity family? by cerulean_dreams
User Name
Mom	Whitney Houston
Dad	Johnny Depp
Brother	Eric Bana
Sister	Hillary Duff
Dog	Buddy
Boyfriend	Johnny Depp
Best friend	Milla Jovovich
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

* i tell ya, it doesn't get much better than this!

What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852
Name
Birthdate
You killed
With a
On	August 22, 2022
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

mood: crabby
music: stacie orrico - there's gotta be more to life (yeah, wtf?!? i know)

the internet is crabby. that makes me crabby.

an unsuccessful night of trying to go out. plans fell through to go boozing at a friend of kk's place. though garret is convinced that they ditched the two of us. ah well. life goes on. word on the street was that it was being postponed until tomorrow night, but mayor daub has to work at 8 am on friday and i'm supposed to hang out with some of my fellow camp counselors so i think i'll have to miss the one. must admit, would have been nice to feel out the social scene with the folks from the playhouse. it would have been ray with the kk, mike trying desperately to get on sam and myself and mayor daub getting drunk, being hilarious, and probably insulting the other people there. but we would have thought it funny. and let's face it - that's all that matters.

i spent a couple of hours at my old high school's (in texas) website and the sites of the other 2 high schools in the city. what a bad idea. seeing all the pictures and reading all the stories about these people that used to be my best friends - people that i grew up with ... oh, it was heartbreaking. i cried a little, just longing for what my life could have been if i had stayed. i miss wichita SO much. and i miss those beautifully, wonderfully, sincere and honest people. i know people shit on texas and texans quite a bit and i will be the first to admit that they deserve some of it, but those are (to this day) some of the best people i've ever met. certainly better than the vast majority of the folks i have come across here. need i give the thumbs up? you know what i mean...

i can't possibly do my feelings justice. i don't know what it is, this omaha business has just been an incredibly difficult time in my life. i can't fully illustrate how negative these 3 years have been. granted, some parts have been great. and there are definitely experiences that i wouldn't trade for the world ... but ... sigh ... i'm sure no one can understand what it is that i'm trying to get across. but that's okay. i think i finally understand it.

in the interest of ending on a positive note, tonight was full of great quotes. enjoy.

"looking outside now ... (pause) ... it is dark." - ryan mcpike during his weather forecast

"you can't teach barbara walters how to rap." - queen latifah

"stop high fiving me! i don't want to high five sex crimes!" - conan o'brien

conan: no one should be caged
borak: what about gypsies?

ah ... more sighing.

i think it's time for a run. that should clear my mind

that is all...thank you.

mood: hopeful
music: jem - they (holy shit, this chick is brilliant. check her out. i command it.)

sigh. i can't get chicago off my mind. i talked to 2 of my favorite boys tonight. oh matty and ian (of the fields variety). i miss you boys more than you could ever know. i can't wait to see you when i get back. ian, take those bets and wire my room (no shower cams naughty boy) and i'll let you know how things play out. i should hope your saucy minx (that's me...wahoo!) won't have to get feisty and cut any bitches. and matty, i can't wait until we can sleep in the same bed again. (especially since you're living with stewie and kyle...rar?!) oh! my heart.

i've had some wondrous philosophical talks with my boys lately. laurence, ryan, ian (of the mclaren variety), and ian (of the fields variety) - you boys are so brilliant. so many of my realizations have been provoked by our exchanges. i don't know what i would do without you.

"i'm positive that not too far off exists a time when we will hesitate for a moment and realize that we have once again survived a period of turmoil. and we will be struck by the intricate beauty of everyone and everything which we're surrounded with. and we'll be intensely overwhelmed with a seemingly inexplicable joy and peace. and that type of reassurance is truly what keeps me going."

omaha. i tell you, most things here suck. and lately the weather has been trying to get into that category with the scary storms while i'm home alone business. but holy crap. ryan mcpike makes it ALL better. mantha and i have always turned to him in our time of need and he ALWAYS delivers. and man. that is one cute meterologist. makes me want to study clouds and shit. or not. i would say he is the one redeeming factor about this city, but he's not even from here. he's from kansas city. so once again, omaha sucks...and blows...and probably swallows...what a whore.

this cannot be denied. many have tried. and have been served.

that is all...thank you.

mood: curious
music: maroon 5 - she will be loved

last night was interesting. sinley took his pants off while we watched fucking horrendous scary movie 3. rachel dellovecchio, i want my time back...

anyway, i went driving about an hour ago. found a dary queen that happened to be open so i got some sweet sweet cheescake ice cream. then it started to rain. i left the windows down and turned my music up. it was nice. the combination of the rain, the wind, the heat, the amazing lightning, the ice cream and the radio made me terribly nostalgic. and right now i'm truly longing for clayton, jenna, linnea, dani, heather, steph, alisha and my life in wichita falls. but i don't want the significantly altered and severely complicated life i would have if i went back now. i want the somewhat simplified life i had there back in freshman year and the summer after when i visited for a month.

and i was reminded of all the conversations and anti-conversations that i had with clayton. gosh i miss talking to him. most of you know how much i adore that friendship, and i can't reinforce that enough. but anyway, i keep replaying one particular exchange in my mind. he asked me what i wanted out of life. but he wasn't particularly interested in the dull things like jobs, spouses, houses and kids - or lack thereof. he was referring to interpersonal relationships - the tiny little emotional and otherwise intangible things that i wanted out of life. i doubt he remembers this, but i do - because i couldn't really come up with an answer. and years later, i'm not entirely positive that this has changed. so i think i'm going to sleep on this and see if i can't come up with something.

i do know that i am having the worst craving ever. only problem is that it's for some stuffed and havanna shrimp from el capitano's, located on the beach in mazatlan, sinaloa, mexico. damn. and oh, i want it bad.

this cannot be denied. many have tried...and have been served. (do we like this as the new endline for posts? versus the old "that is all...thank you" shoot a comment)