mood: relief (maybe...)
music: n.e.r.d. - maybe

tonight was a great success. drama free and full of old friends. just the way i like it. but such enjoyable times yet again failed to keep my overactive and overanalytical mind from churning over yet another of life's assorted mysteries.

this early morning's insight - or more appropriately, the lack thereof - arrives thanks to my attempts to seek out a balance between happiness and contentment, and insecurity, fear, and doubt. after some examining of my most recent action(s)/reaction(s) it seems as though i follow a patttern  with regards to my wacky outlook on life. i (more frequently now than ever) find myself in a good place in life - a place where i am able to appreciate all that surrounds me to the point where such nondescript and intangible entities (such as happiness) seem fairly palpable. but then my "conciousness" alerts me to some problem - generally inconsequential - that i dwell on. this one issue becomes all consuming - growing so swiftly and fiercely in its severity (or at least the false severity that i begin to presume it posesses) that it soon dwarfs the positivity of all the other things which originally comprised my joy.
this focus naturally spirals into bouts of moodiness, depression, and nervousness (fucking panic attacks). and there i find myself, once again wrenched from happiness and delivered into the ever loving arms of that which can most likely be classified as teen angst. and all by my own hand, no less.

so i pose the question: how does one create a balance between happiness and insecurity?

i don't know. what i do know is that this balance must be a healthier alternative to the circles in which i'm running myself. it seems logical that one must posess the ability to recongnize a fault or other negative issue and put it in its propper place where it can be assessed and worked on. at this juncture, i must sadly recognize that i don't posess this ability. and even my dwelling on this fact could quickly become an obscenely troublesome obsession. i'm not quite sure where in myself to search for this quality, and that is what has become ultimately bothersome; i don't know how to seek a solution.

which consequently means that the only remaining option is to let go. and we all know how good i am at that. but this time i am inclined to think that this is worth a shot.

even if it is a long shot in the dark.
very long.
very dark.
pitch black.

that is all...thank you.