mood: tired of circles
music: finger eleven - one thing, nelly furtado - powerless (say what you want), no doubt - it's my life

realizations aplenty. but there is one thing i keep returning to. it's so fascinating and so insane the way we all go through life expecting people to act. we all desire that people function according to OUR rules and act within OUR bounds. but everyone's bounds and rules are different. and if someone told us we had to live by their rules with disregard to our own, we would be outraged. and yet, that is what we all expect of each other.

this business of working out problems seems to be the most prevalent issue in mine and several of my friend's lives. i'm learning how damn near impossible it is to get all parties involved in a situation to come to a place where resolution can begin at the same time. it's ridiculous for someone to tell me when i should or should not come to talk to them as if laying down some series of rules by which i must abide if i want results. refer to above paragraph. on the same token, it's not fair for me to expect someone to want to work things out simply because i am ready to. so i would venture to say that it requires some discomfort from ALL sides. which, let's be honest, sucks. i don't think i've met anyone that's aching to be annoyed or inconvenieced for someone else's sake. but perhaps that is just what has to be done. another case of a difference between what you want to do and what you should do.

i also come back to how easy it is for things to become skewed. how one word (in speech) or grammatical choice (in things like these online journals) can put such an incredible slant on the truth or toss a dose of malice out into the world. i find it amazing how quickly reality becomes slurred and blurred and shadows of suspicions can be cast. one or two carefully chosen adjectives. a couple of keystrokes. suddenly you're not dealing in black and white - or even gray anymore.

and finally (i think) come endings. i feel like i'm on the edge of a mammoth ending and a mammoth ending. now i went through a quasi version of this when i ended the whole high school thing and went off to college. but there is a certain finality that will mark my leaving in august. i won't be back for thanksgiving or fall break. probably won't be back over the christmas break. definitely not coming back next summer. then it's looking like a year or so in europe. and more and more i feel like it's time for me to end my omaha life.

i want to let you all know that i want to leave on GREAT terms. but i want to leave. there are times that i think there is little to benefit me here now. there are a few (VERY few) relationships that i want to bring with me as i continue on my way with the hopes that those relationships will keep growing and changing. i really do enjoy seeing certain people once in a while and taking a quick trip through our wacky memories. but the small enjoyment that i get from that does not compare to the strong desire to leave the city as soon as i get here.

perhaps i wasn't designed to tolerate omaha. it's becoming clear that i was meant to be here for a spell to meet certain people, do certain things, have certain realizations and learn certain lessons. but other than that...nothing. i've got what i was suppsed to get, given what i was supposed to give. it's slightly disconcerting because of the shock i experienced ending my wichita falls life (which surprisingly is becoming more alive now). don't get me wrong, parts of this life were and are superb. mostly the few really really good people with really really good hearts. you probably already know who you are. i never take you for granted. and i love you dearly. and that's what i hope i can take with me...my connetions with you guys. but i didn't grow up here, i don't have a real emotional attachment to this city or to most of my material things i acquired here. what is left to mourn?

that is all...thank you.