mood: thoughtful
music: death cab for cutie - the sound of settling

i'mmmmmmmmm back in action!

i cried for the first time about my leaving for school this evening. not for the reason(s) i had expected. i suddenly realized how deeply i bonded with my other staffers at camp. the fab five (or 6, or 7 or whatev), you guys have become my heart! all the freezing late nights, dqmd & sully, talking trash about everyone, "coloring with crayons," pillows, tables, the haters' meal and everything in between - all that in those 6 days has meant more to me than some of the memories i have from the whole 4 years i've lived in omaha. i feel like i've found a beautiful, unconditional love and friendship within all of you and to know that i only have our night out tomorrow...it breaks my heart. i know for certain i will see you tomorrow. and i know i will see most of you next year. but i also know that the time between will difficult without you. at the same time i know that connections like ours are never broken by time or space. and wherever our paths lead us, we'll all still be together in spirit, sitting at those picnic tables warding off delegates, talking about everything and nothing, and savoring life - if only for a moment. and yet...

pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong will never fall
but watching stars without you,
my soul cried.

speaking of camp, it was wonderous and profound as always. but it has really thrown me into some serious turmoil about my life. being at camp (and more specifically, talking to david on the wacky ride home) has made me realize just how passionate i truly am about social justice. and how i can't live without it. i want to keep doing this for the rest of my life. specifically i want to keep coming back to staff the anytown here in omaha. while i could go work the ones in salt lake or chicago, i don't want to! i just want to stay with the one here. but goodness knows i'm not going to live in omaha. if i were to keep working towards my plans of acting and then eventual "professing," then i'll likely be living in chicago or new york. and let's face it. a career in acting would never alow me to take a week off to fly in and do this. at the same time, i don't think i can survive without my theatre. i've built and planned a whole life around the idea that it would be my number one - the one thing i would surely die without. so i thought maybe i could just skip the whole acting bit and go right to being a professor - with the hopes that i could teach theatrical dramaturgy and more specifically, a class that examines the roles of theatre and social justice as pivotal within society. but to skip being an actress? could i really do that?

i'm definitely in crisis mode. i need to make a decision about all this. as far as majors are concerned, i don't have any more time for dick, dick, dicking around. i have 3 years to finish this college bit. and when those scholarships and grants run out...i'll be out as well. i've never been so confused or doubtful about my future. my whole life i've had a plan of action for whatever it was that i wanted to do. and it is only now - when i am older, supposedly wiser, and ready to go forth into the world that i become unsure and shaken. now i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and as long as i stay proactive in my life, things will all fall into place. but i don't feel like i have control. alas, the ultimate struggle of the control freak. time again to let go...maybe have a little faith.

faith in myself.

that is all...thank you.