mood: confused
music: something's missing -- john mayer

what a conundrum. here i am in august - one of my absolute favorite months - with one foot in the past trying to make sense of what was probably the strangest [in both amazing and amazingly awful ways] summer of my life, and an eye toward the upcoming semester, which promises to be the most invigorating one yet. this is normally the most enchanting time of year for me: i put a period at the end of the summer adventures and i start building up that focus, fire, and determination with which i always take on fall semester. and then there's the change of season -- autumn is without a doubt my favorite, and its arrival always marks a notable increase in my general happiness. it's just an incredible time. period.


so why am i just a tad miserable right now?


for all the good things that started happening at the beginning of the month [which essentially coincided with the pseudo-debacle that was the deterioration of the summer living situation] i feel like i'm back in the same poor state of mind that i was in through june and july - only with a different set of headaches. it seems as though every little thing [down to the most trivial and meaningless little issue] is engaging in some entropy. it's like i've hit a brick wall - it's like i'm broken.

i'm sure part of it has to do with my extended stay in the westO. i've been in omaha for about 2 weeks and that's usually about the time i go crazy and need to escape back to my chicago haven. there's just something about the city that keeps me alive, that makes all my dismal omaha feelings dissipate a touch. but i'm not naive enough to think that my return later this week is going to magically resolve all of my problems. i know i have some [read: a giant fucking mountain of] personal issues that are requiring an unusually large amount of attention right now and i know i have some huge decisions to make. though i guess there's really only one: to paris, or not to paris. but that is an entire conversation in an of itself.

i feel like there's something i've got to get back to. but i don't know what it is. i've got to get back to basics [fine, make the joke about the idiotic and unintentional reference to x'tina's new album], but i can't put my finger on what those are. i need to prioritize -- but it's getting harder and harder to discern the order of importance. there's so much tension between what i think i want and need to be my priorities versus the demands placed on me by outside commitments.

tried to self-talk myself out of it, tried dressing up, dressing down, tried hanging out, tried confessing, tried jealousy, tried humble gratefulness, tried repression and denial, tried working out [a lot] to get that ever-elusive endorphine rush/high. i even tried cleaning my bathroom -- you know, the idea that being productive makes you feel better. nothing. nada. all i feel is tired. and sore. very sore. and i think the amonia i used to wipe down the countertops burned my sinuses...




i'm not alone, i wish i was.
cause then i'd know, i was down because
i couldn't find, a friend around
to love me like, they do right now.
they do right now.

i'm dizzy from the shopping malls
i searched for joy, but I bought it all
it doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first
to ever satiate

something's missing
and I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
and I don't know what it is
at all

when autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
it just walks in, where it left you last.
and you never know, when it starts
until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

something's missing
and I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
and I don't know what it is
at all

i can't be sure that this state of mind,
is not of my own design
i wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
for loneliness like this.

something's missing
and I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
and I don't know what it is
no I don't know what it is
something's different
and i don't know what it is
no I don't know what it is

friends -check- money -check-
a well slept -check- opposite sex -check-
guitar -check- microphone -check-
messages waiting for me, when i come home
-check-