mood: concerned
music: better version of me - fiona apple


this has got to stop.


things are getting a little bit out of control. i've been having increasingly intense panic attacks and i can't seem to stop grinding my teeth. when i'm not tweaking out like a crack whore going through withdrawals i'm exhausted and seriously cross. i don't feel particularly upset about anything - which is not to say i don't have a lot of things on my mind - and yet i'm exhibiting all of the physical symptoms of someone who is in some hot water emotionally. my suspicion is that i've done such an incredible job of convincing myself that things are not as bothersome as they truly are that i believe it 100% in my head [usually i can get myself to 70-90% with a nagging voice saying otherwise]. as such, i'm manifesting my stress through my body.

great. i have a good grasp on what's going on.
so why can't i stop it?
and what the hell am i so upset about anyway?

i feel like there's a completely legit set of things i'm worrying about - life and changes type stuff that everyone deals with. the standard. but i'm also starting to see that as much as i have been committed to ruthlessly eliminating drama from my life, i've been a little careless. yes, i'm in the middle of loosening close ties with certain people in my life who have become undesirable, but i think i'm giving it too much weight. these were and in some cases are important bonds, but god knows they're not worth getting sick over. one of my roommates last year went through a similar process with expressing her stress through her body. she would violently grind her teeth and lock her jaw in her sleep and eventually killed a nerve in her jaw, thus bringing on whole lot of unenjoyable times. and i will be damned if i'm going to let myself go down any harmful road over social bullshit. it's just not worth it. that's a lesson i learned oh-so-well in high school.

so i'm resolved to calm the fuck down. but it's not always as easy to convince my body to go along with this resolution. there's no substitute for time.

and aa always said that admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. so i guess i'm on my way.


they also said fake it till you make it...



the nickel dropped
when i was on
my way beyond
the rubicon
what did i do?

and of the games that i can handle
none are ones worth the candle
what can i do?

i'm a frightened, fickle person
fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
what should i do?

oooh, after all the folderol,
and hauling over coals stops
what will i do?

can't take a good day without a bad one
don't feel just to smile until i've had one
where did i learn?

i make a fuss about a little thing
the rhyme is losing to the riddling
where's the turn?

i don't want a home, i'd ruin that
home is where my habits have a habitat
why give it a turn?

oh, after all the folderol
and hauling over coals stops
what did i learn?

i am likely to miss the main event
if i stop to cry or complain again
so i will keep a deliberate pace
let the damned breeze dry my face

oh, mister, wait until you see
what i'm gonna be

i've got a plan, a demand and it just began
and if you're right, you'll agree

here's coming a better version of me
here it comes a better version of me
here it comes a better version of me...