mood: getting there...
music: regina spektor - fidelity

perhaps it was my recent birthday (by the by, 2-1 is amazing!) which rejuvinated me. it feels a lot like new life. that new inspiration which sometimes hits while you're standing on the edge of a still, cloudy day. it's a realistic one...one that says, god damnit this life hurts sometimes - but other times it feels like perfection. and i'm going to stick around and take my licks, just to get back to those perfect moments one more time...

i know this will seem odd and pretentious, but it's time for a break for a bit of narcicissm. ok, so occasionally i read over past posts and i am so struck by my ability to bend and mold these tactile and fragile characters we call words into something comprehensible - often something beyond comprehensible: something visceral. these thoughts, images, and emotions flow out of me - sometimes like paint, sometimes like the wax of a long-smoldering candle. and i'm always moved by the contents of my mind.

*Sunday, October 3, 2004

music: howie day - stop all the world now
mood: all these places feel like home...

the day was what i would call "absentmindedly beautiful." cool and crisp. breezy. unobtrusively sunny. gorgeous. but you wouldn't immediately realize it. but as i stood on the el platform with the sun reflecting in my eyes, my hair blowing around my face, and howie day's perfect time of day playing from my headphones around my neck, it dawned on me.

and in all that beauty i could recall all the times i've looked at the stars. and the feeling of sand between my toes. and watching the moon set in mexico. and playing in the warm rain. and cuddling close. and the serenity of sunrises. and losing myself in the flow and ebb of the sound of waves. and laying in the bed of a pickup truck under the endless texas sky with my best friend in the whole world wondering at just where life was taking us.

and knowing it was taking me to that very moment.

*from Wednesday, October 5, 2005

and what of a time when people live fiercely? they hate and laugh and love and grieve with everything they are - with more than they are. and they make mistakes, pitiful errors. get hurt badly and hurt others badly from time to time [though this is not to say they lack compassion and an eye to nurturing others]. and pain is accepted as necessarily and inextricably bound up in the fabric of this wild life. but oh, how they live! how they are then free to get tangled up in the substance of emotion. and the fear is there, but it no longer dictates what they can and cannot feel. and when fear is no longer at the wheel . . . well i am envious of that existence - what it must taste like, how such a sensation must electrify the very essence of reality . . .


oh, how they live.
iMc keeps this one in the facebook profile

*Monday, October 24, 2005
mood: cloudy . . . but standing on steadier ground.
music: damien rice - older chests

[all of us, falling in the cracks between what we owe to ourselves and what we owe to love -- oh, tony kushner, oh you . . . ]


how terribly brilliant, how beautifully painful it is when you arrive at your breaking point. when you reach the moment when you are so utterly exhausted that you simply leap -- without fear, without pretense. fully prepared to find your net . . . or to suffer its absence. when you can no longer tell the story of the war which you have waged with yourself from the standpoint of the one who could not, who would not fight in it - who would not fight for it.

and i'd certainly heard it all before. knew it without question or qualification. but it was only after i told you [sam, you're a lifesaver!] that i knew i could never tell my story again.

at least, not that way . . . time for a new ending.

*a quote of mine that wifey keeps in her facebook profile

There's just no better catharsis than finding yourself in the middle of a perfect moment -- and being cognizant of its perfection, and just knowing that the moment has been indellibly etched onto your soul -- that it is bound up in the fabric of...well, you...forever




and i know that it's not me having this crazy case of pure genius, but that i live a beautifully frustrating life. i am a composite of myself and every experience - imprinted by everyone and everything i've come into contact with these past 21 years. so much of my gratitude is owed to my surroundings and what they give to me - the life they breathe into me. and i can't help but be so humble and so very thankful for their gifts which give life to my words...




and of course no recap on the pitch and sway of my life would be complete without some reference to the 'trouble' i like to get myself into. conversations with past flames [yep, THAT one], past memories...telling away messages...all give rise to a completely new batch of mishaps and complications...get excited...

i never loved nobody fully
always one foot on the ground
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost
in the sound

i hear in my mind
all of these voices
i hear in my mind
all of these words
i hear in my mind
all this music
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart

suppose i never ever met you
suppose we never fell in love
suppose i never ever let you
kiss me so sweet
and so soft
suppose i never ever saw you
suppose you never ever called
suppose i kept on singing love songs
just to break my own fall
just to break my fall

all my friends say
that of course it's gonna get better
gonna get better

i never love nobody fully
always one foot on the ground
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost in the sound

i hear in my mind
all of these voices
i hear in my mind
all of these words
i hear in mind
all of this music
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart...



TariaMichelle (12:32:49 PM): you ever get the feeling that maybe you just should have let something go, but that you're kind of excited to see what kind of trouble lies in store?
Hnybear712 (12:33:01 PM): always
Hnybear712 (12:33:23 PM): theory and execution are always in conflict
TariaMichelle (12:34:31 PM): mmmm yes they are...sometimes i think they like it that way. or maybe it's just me that does
Hnybear712 (12:35:27 PM): its the child in all of us "you know you shouldnt touch the stove but damn if it dont look like fun"


[i think i feel a hot surface approaching]