mood: calm state of turmoil
music: michelle featherston - coffee and cigarettes


and just like that i find myself with yet another academic year completed.

odd, the fall still seems so near. the incredible memories of mon bel ete abroad have not faded - nor has the nominal sting of bitterness of having to come home. i remember the fire and focus with which i was determined to conquer the semester, recall the uncertainty of my ability to adequately balance the constant tug-of-war which is my time. i still feel the buzz of low-class beers from the debutante ball, hear the hum of conversations - judgements passed under the guise of alcohol. the beginning of the general decline of the order of things with one particular person was in full swing -- but how could i have known then? mmm, the glory and condecension of hindight bias. and oh, how drunk i was on fantasies and illusions . . . which i survived on contentedly for a while . . . and which eventually turned to ashes. . . and swirled away into some beautiful and painful void of my subconcious.

i am so very tired. the end of the semester has a tendency to do that (though i must admit that i mentally checked out of the semester some time around spring break). and yet, there are moments when i feel wired to the hilt. after 15 hours of sleep over 3 or 4 days i am somewhat delusional and have started to feel as if i should make rash attempts at tying up all of the loose ends which i have left undone (with one very specific, very obvious end in mind). no good. impulsive declarations of unresolved emotions have never gotten me anywhere i wanted or needed to be. although . . . there was one particular impulsive declaration of unresolved emotion (though perhaps lack of resolution was solely on my part) which made me a very happy girl, momentarily. no worries. i immediately went into sabotage mode and eventually was able to successfully ruin things in a mildly cowardly but brilliant way which has allowed me to ellude the weight of blame and don the cloak of innocence as a supposed victim of circumstance and inadvertant distraction. hey, everyone has to be superb at something, haven't they?

but it seems this time that i have worked myself into a corner which i will require some assistance to get out of. it's not merely about me -- about my coming to terms with some great paradox of life and then singing the right songs or doing the right dance to demonstrate my emotional growth and herald in a new period of increased maturity. it's not about my ability to craft the right words at the right moments in order to signal that i have caught up with the situation and am prepared to move onwards and upwards. there's another heart in the equation. one which i am so fearful of breaking. one which i fear i may have already broken. and while i am ready with my repair kit of away messages, song lyrics, sincere blog entries, praise, unspoken apologies, shared grief, and love -- it all simply does no good. it certainly makes for a good crutch. an efficient way to pass the time. but nothing really gets resolved. i am so impatient. but i must wait. for that other heart.

perhaps it is time to let go. of this particular stretch of past. perhaps it is in everyone's best interest to loosen the ribbon with which i have tied myself to this memory -- to redirect the energy i have devoted so assiduously to keeping this love. but i don't know if i can. i certainly don't want to. my clouded vision of the future doesn't take shape properly without this piece of the past being alive and well within it. the present lacks some of its clarity. the hint of a shadow is cast over the past. in general, things begin to lose their capacity to make any discernable sense. without . . .

[funny how here i turn to ellipses once more -- my ever ready grammatical evasion of difficult truths]




and after this textual outburst (which, in real life has been accompanied by tiny inner emotional explosions)i am left without answers. without the slightly sense of the right questions to ask. i don't know. i just don't know. but i'd like to.

though it is more likely that i do know. and i just don't want to.




i gave up coffee and cigarettes
i hate to say it hasn't helped me yet
i thought my problems would just dissipate
and all my pain would be in yesterday

i poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
and watched my bad habits get flushed away
i thought that that would keep my head on straight
and all my pain would be in yesterday

but it's true
i'm sill blue
but i finally know what to do
i must quit -- i must quit . . . you

i thought that if i didn't go and play
the sadness would get bored and go away
i thought that if i didn't go astray
that all my pain would be in yesterday

but it's true
i'm still blue
but i finally know what to do
i must quit -- i must quit . . . you

i sold my guitar and my piano
i thought that it was these that kept me low
i thought if only i could try and change
that all my pain would be in yesterday

but it's true
i'm still blue
but i finally know what to do
i must quit -- i must quit you

i must quit
i must quit





you