mood: hopeful
music: jack johnson - never know

this trip. this massive, all-encompassing, daunting trip. planning it has been one of the most frustrating things i have yet attempted in my short 20 years. i have and continue to make tremendous sacrifices to engingeer and execute this endeavor. (my latest sacrifice, i am sad to say, is that i will not be returning to omaha before my departure.)and with so much as yet unsettled, i occasionally feel as if it's not real -- as if this is some charade in which i have been unknowingly tricked into participating. there exists some phantom of a shadow in my mind that on june 21 i will not, in fact, board a plane to london, lunch with ian between airport transfers, continue on my flight to rome, spend a week exploring the mediterranean coast with anita, bask in 3 weeks of submersion into french language and culture, play in paris alone for a week, spend about 10 days getting to know oxford and reacquainting myself with the one and only rico suave in an international setting, and finally board a plane home to chicago as a completely different person.

my fear is that i will - as per usual - wake up around 9 am (because the windows that provide the intringuing artistic view from my room also make it insufferably warm), and do a great deal of nothing. left only with the lingering feelings of those sacrifces i endured along with the vague memory of all that i had planned. and all the time wondering where my beautiful illusion evaporated to.

in all reality i am merely fearful. because i have never known such wonderful circumstance in my life (ALL aspects of my life) before - such awe-inspiring opportunities. certainly this is somewhat reminiscent of the brooding undertones of the feelings surrounding impending marriage.



i've got cold feet.
that's all.