mood: anxious
music: bloc party - blue light (engineers anti-gravity remix)

in spite of all the good things - great things - that have transpired, are transpiring, and will transpire, i still find that i'm terribly nervous. i've got this crazy neurotic anxiety thing going on and it's not really working well for me. my chest gets this incredibly full feeling and i start to get the sense that it just might be plotting to cave in on itself.

but i don't know what on earth i could be so anxious about. well. that's not entirely true. ok, let's be honest, it's more or less a lie. it's the fulbright. and what it symbolizes. and what it encodes. and what it has meant, means, and could mean to my future. pardon the histrionics, but it's a life-changing type of thing. this happens for me and nothing is the same. yeah, no pressure, right?

it's not as simple as being scared of an application. it's more about what this application forces me to do. to make it good i have to go hard, go deep, and go fast. pun intended. but really, to make myself the most competitive applicant i have to open up to an anonymous panel of scholars about a period of my life that was marked [almost] primarily by loss and grief. because that period forms the foundation for why i am truly passion about my proposal in the first place.

but god. there are parts of that which i haven't yet really opened up to myself about. so how can i possibly make it transparent for anyone else? i think that's what keeps me up at night.

but what i really think, is that i lack the words to describe this odd process i'm strung out in right now. [an almost painfully ironic statement for anyone who knows anything about my fulbright proposal:)] there are other sources that perhaps do it better. i don't know if they quite get at the heart of the matter [yikes, the irony is thick tonight!] but they'll do the trick for now:

from my horoscope:...if you were not so terribly frightened of falling from a great height, you could climb up the ladder to success two rungs at a time, dear Taria. Your problem seems to be that the World and the perspectives it promises make you suffer from vertigo!





"The secret of flight lies in the assurance that we are worthy of flying."
-Eleemosynary