mood: unsure
music: elliott smith - needle in the hay

ever get the feeling that you've found yourself immersed in the same old bs, just in a different time? i don't know precisely how to explain it, but i'll do the best i can.

i've been thinking quite a bit lately. about friendships. about what it is that i am willing to contribute to them and what it is that i generally expect to get out of them. and i've been weighing that against reality: what i do contribute to my friendships and what i actually get out of them. i don't really see the two aligning in the way i would have liked them to. and i think i've pinpointed the reason why. i think the problem is that i am most unclear on where i stand in these friendships. are we actually friends, or mere acquaintances? is it unconditional friendship, or the kind with prerequisites? is it full time friendship, or whenever is convenient? i truly don't know. i truly wish i did. because i tend to get this inkling that what i think is not the same as what the other party/parties think(s).

you know, there was a time when i might have said that i had a "best friend" so to speak, but i don't believe that holds true any more. and while labeling someone "alpha friend" isn't the point here, i would be remiss if i didn't admit that it would have been nice to have one. because that is the norm, is what most people can do. to be perfectly honest, i have often felt as if i was fighting to be a friend, to have a friend. i would guess this just comes from the fact that people have extensive histories with each other; people grew up together - and i only entered into this crazy mix during freshman year of high school. which is not to say that my friends are "bad" or that i don't like and appreciate them - i don't intend to imply that at all. i just wish that i could gain a clear view of how people are feeling about me with regards to our respective relationships. i long for clarity. at this point i'm not particularly sure if this arises from the fact that actions don't always reflect words and trigger my suspicions or if my perception is just a touch off. if any of you (who probably know you who are at this juncture) wanted to talk, chance are, you know where to find me...

against my better judgment, i'll leave a song.

your hand on his arm
the haystack charm around your neck
strung out and thin
calling some friend trying to cash some check
he's acting dumb
that's what you've come to expect

needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay

he's wearing your clothes
head down to toes a reaction to you
you say you know what he did
but you idiot kid
you don't have a clue
sometimes they just get caught in the eye
you're pulling him through

needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay

now on the bus
nearly touching this dirty retreat
falling out 6th and powell
a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs down to the man
he's gonna make it all okay
i can't beat myself
i can't beat myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet whenever i want
so leave me alone
you outta be proud that i'm getting good marks

needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay...